heartbreakI’m not sure I’m going to have the courage to press the ‘send’ button on this email, but here goes nothing.
First of all, it feels a little wrong saying what I am about to say over email. I wish I could say it in person. But it’s on my mind now, and I’m afraid if I wait to tell you all this face-to-face I never will. It’s a really scary thing, saying goodbye, and I’m really, really bad at it. If I were to attempt this conversation in person I know I wouldn’t get to say everything I want to say. I know I would probably just burst into tears and blurt out an awkward ‘see you later’ and run away. But I want to make sure I say everything I need to say. Because I’m also really bad at letting go. So I need to make sure I don’t have a reason not to. I know this is wrong, and I’m so, so sorry. But I just turn into a massive, unintelligible ball of emotions when I’m upset, and there are things I need you to know that I’m not sure I’d be able to tell you in the heat of the moment.
I like you ----. I like you a lot. In fact, I think you’re someone that if I let myself, I could really fall in love with.
But I always assumed we had this silent agreement not to do that, since we knew from the beginning I would be in New York for the summer and you would be studying abroad next semester. I knew from the start I didn’t want to end up trapped in a long distance relationship, and even though we never really talked about it, from the things we did talk about, I was pretty sure you were on the same page. I am the queen of failed relationships, and for once, it felt good to just let things be what they were, without the need for labels or verbal agreements of exclusivity. It was the first time I’ve really just enjoyed someone, and I was honestly very comfortable and happy with that.
But then, over spring break, I discovered I missed you much more than I expected too. And I knew from that first moment of realization that things were getting dangerous. Then in the last few weeks I’ve begun to feel it, that need for a recognition of something, though I told myself I didn’t really care what that something would be. I knew that my feelings for you were beginning to grow beyond what I had anticipated, and I began to doubt whether the silent mutual agreement I had assumed was in place was something I really wanted, or was something that was even in place at all. I began to wonder what you were doing with the time we spent apart, and what was happening when I didn’t hear from you. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt hurt or neglected, I just started really wanting to be a part of your life.
I was still feeling very torn about all of this when I brought it up with you last week. I was hoping you would tell me something that would make my mind up one way or the other. But you were very vague, and didn’t really tell me anything at all, and that scared me. It solidified the fear, and I believe I told you this that afternoon, that I liked you much more than you liked me. And well, I’ve been hurt so many times before. I just don’t want to be in that place again.
I thought now that I knew more or less how you felt I’d be able to take a step back, and return to how things used to be and just let myself enjoy things again. But the truth is that I can’t. I’ve been so terrified all this time that I’m going to wind up hurt, and here I am hurting anyways. Because it sucks to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, at least not in the same way.
I don’t know about you, but I felt that yesterday and this morning were kind of weird. I couldn’t decide as it was happening if the weirdness was on my part or yours, but I think that it was probably mine. I’m even more unsure than before when it comes to how much energy I should be putting into this, and all last night and this morning I was finding myself thinking twice about what I said to you or how I touched you. I wanted to wake you up this morning but I wasn’t sure how you’d react to me. I wanted to kiss you good morning but I wasn’t sure you would want to kiss me back. And then I knew I would have to write this letter when tonight, I really felt that I needed you, but I didn’t feel like I could tell you that. And that felt really crappy.
I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s driving me completely crazy. And as you’re reading this email, I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re thinking I am – crazy. That’s fine, I guess I am a little crazy. I really wish I could finally stop holding back and show you the complete me. But as things are… I just can’t.
So two last things:
First of all, thank you so much for these past few months. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. I’ve always felt like you were so easy to talk to. And I hope that we will still hang out as friends. I do value your friendship a lot, and I’ve really taken pleasure in all of our conversations. Thank you for the other things too. You have no idea what it has all meant to me.
And secondly, I know you are not crazy about electronic media, another reason why this letter feels so wrong, but I would really appreciate a response. By email, text, phone call, whatever. Even if it’s a ‘Got your email. Thanks.’ Like I said earlier I’m really bad at letting go. And even though I probably don’t deserve a response it would really help me to move forward knowing your thoughts on this situation, or at least that you read this email.
I hope you don’t completely hate me. I miss you already.
All my love,
Mariana
boysBut then there's the biggest what if of all. What if we could have been really, really happy together? And what if we'll always wonder, but never know?
Things aren't bad as they are... so is it worth it?
marriageI know what it's like to love someone so much you can't possibly imagine life without them. But I've seen loves so intense completely fall apart in a matter of weeks or days. This has happened to me twice now, and I've seen it happen countless times to friends around me. The truth is that research has consistently shown that about 50% of marriages end in divorce (Don't believe me?: http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html, http://www.divorcerate.org/, http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Percentage_of_marriages_that_end_in_divorce). Most of these marriages (about 64%) comprise of partners under the age of 24. On top of this, I can't say that I know many people my own age, myself included, that are really, truly grown up yet. Most of us have only been living on our own for 3 years now, and very few without financial support from others. We're at an age where people are growing and changing and learning so rapidly, it's very hard to find someone who grows at the same pace as you. At my age, someone who may have been perfect for you today may not be a month from now.
Besides, you people don't have any money yet! There's no reason to legally share half of everything you own when you own nothing. Instead of sharing your earnings, you'll be sharing your debt, and that's not going to bring fun times to any marriage.
And don't you want to experience the young, single professional life? Your twenties are the only years where people are not only socially permitted, but encouraged to be completely selfish. Use this time to focus on a career, on yourself. And once you are completely at peace with yourself and you're life is going somewhere, that's when you bring another person into your life so seriously.
Of course there are people who are ready to get married at 20. But I'm pretty certain most are not.
Look, I believe in marrying young, I want to marry young. It's how my parent did it, it's how my grandparents did it. I was able to grow up knowing my grandparents and my great-greatparents well because most people in my family marry young. But 20, 21? Don't you want to experience life a little bit on your own? You spent the last 20 years abiding by the rules of your parents, and now you're going to have someone else to check in with at night.
Really, I am honestly curious to know - what's the hurry?
listI've been in Colorado with my family over the past few days, and in between skiing and, well, recovering from skiing, I've had a lot of time to be left alone with my thoughts.
Tonight I got into a fight with my brother, so my thoughts have been leaning towards the negative.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a really angry person, that there a lot of people I dislike. But tonight, when I consciously tried to come up with specific names, I could really only think of a handful. There are however, several types of people I dislike. So in an effort to clear my head in order to gain a restful night's sleep, here are the top 10 people, or types of people, that I strongly dislike.
#9 - Cathy
Cathy is my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. I first met her in an inebriated state at a party. Upon arrival to said party Chris (also known to this blog as #5) informed me of her presence almost immediately. I spent the entire night drunkenly dreading the encounter. But when she saw me across the room and made a b-line directly towards me, her best friend in tow, I did not feel the wave of jealousy or pity I had anticipated. She was the most drunk I have ever seen her, and she thrusted her hand out to me as she introduced herself. Her friend, even more drunk than Cathy, gave me a hug she would not remember the next day and then they both disappeared into the crowd. I spent the rest of the night scanning the chaos, looking for them. There was something about Cathy that intrigued me. Maybe it was her brazen confidence or simply the fact that she had dated my boyfriend, but for some reason, I really wanted to meet her again. I wouldn't until many months later.
At the end of the semester Chris reestablished his friendship with Cathy, and I would take the opportunity to send an overexcited, awkward facebook message to her, stating for the record that I hoped we would be friends, and even proposing a lunch date. Although she responded, the lunch date never happened, but for the next few weeks we would run into each other more often, and she would always greet me with a smile. Shortly after Chris and I broke up. It turns out he felt he wasn't over Cathy, and to be honest I hadn't really had any closure on Pete (#4) either.
Anyway, when I returned to Boston for the summer I was officially over Pete and ready to give Chris another try, and a week after my arrival Chris voiced the same about Cathy. So we got back together. Meanwhile, Cathy got together with Chris's best friend, Tom. Chris wasn't exactly thrilled over this, but I secretly was. Once Chris got over the initial shock of his best friend breaking the cardinal rule of best friendship, I imagined a whole summer of double dates and slumber parties. I would finally get to figure out why this girl was so intriguing to me.
But that never happened. Right after Chris and I got back together, and right before she got with Tom, Chris and I got into a huge fight -- over Cathy. It was the only time I had ever really felt jealous of her to that point. Surfing the web on Chris's computer one day, I noticed a recent chat he had left open. Just as I was about to close it I noticed my name. So I did what any curious, slightly insecure girlfriend would do, and scrolled through the conversation. It didn't take me long to figure out it was a chat between Chris and Cathy. In it, Chris suggested the two go on a trip together. When Cathy asked whether or not I'd be invited, Chris said he wasn't sure, since we had just got back together a few days ago. If the trip had been with anyone else, that would have been understandable -- don't want to plan on anything a few days into a new relationship. But this was a trip with his ex girlfriend, and as far as I could tell, only his ex girlfriend. It was completely inappropriate and I was furious, but I felt guilty about reading the chat so I didn't know how to bring it up with him. Later that night as we were both drinking, it all came out. Cathy was there too, and somehow caught on to the cause of our fight. She pulled me aside to 'talk about it,' but she was drunk too, and talking about it soon turned into her bitching about all things wrong with Chris. And then she told me that she was still in love with him.
I don't think she meant to say it, and she didn't say it straight out like that. She said something along the lines of: "Sometimes, I look at him and know that I still love him." Then she added a 'but' and continued on her anti-Chris rampage. But that one line stuck with me.
She hooked up with Tom for the first time that night, and Chris and I ended up reconciling without her help. But after that, things were different. She became hostile towards me, if she acknowledged my presence at all. No matter how hard I tried, she continued this passive-aggressive, super-bitch attitude towards me. Chris was slow to pick up on this, but once he did he confronted her about it. Her response was that she and I should avoid any sort of personal relationship, since it 'only seemed to upset people.' Even given her recent behavior, this news shocked me. And to be honest, it hurt.
Ever since then Cathy and I have kept a distance from each other. The smiles we used to share across the room have since been replaced with glares. Cathy is probably the only one on this list who doesn't fall into a category of a 'type' of person I dislike. In fact, I know the real reason I harbor so much negativity against her isn't because of her attitude, or because of her 'ex girlfriend' status. It's because she's someone who I really wanted to know. But she just wouldn't let me be her friend. And I really, really resent her for that.
#8 - Lauren
Lauren is another girl I encountered during my relationship with Chris. They hooked up after Chris had broken up with Cathy, and again when Chris and I broke up for the first time. I guess she was kind of his go-to girl when he wanted easy sex. In fact, she was pretty much everyone in his frat's go-to girl. Rumors still circulate about how many of the approximately forty brothers she has slept with, and the numbers are high.
Long story short, Lauren is a slut.
I tend to dislike people who sleep around anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm no prude, but there is something about someone who doesn't respect themselves or their body that just makes it really hard for me to respect them. And I can't honestly like someone who I don't respect. But Lauren makes it on this list for doing more than just being fuck buddies with Chris and his fraternity brothers. Lauren makes it on this list for just being downright mean.
Maybe she thought she was better than me because she had slept with my boyfriend. I'm not really sure. I can't say what made her dislike me so much, but before I even knew of her existence she had started her tirade against me. She told Chris on several occasions that I shot her mean looks, or that I made situations where the three of us were in close proximity to each other awkward. All of this was news to me, as at the time that I was supposedly being mean and awkward I had no idea who she was. Once I did know, however, I began to notice the 'awkwardness' and 'mean looks' -- and they were all coming from her. Very few people have ever made me as uncomfortable as she does. And it didn't take long for me to develop a dislike for her equal if not even more intense than her dislike for me.
She lived at the fraternity house this past summer, a place where I frequented, and I thought that since Chris and I had broken up things might be different. I was wrong. To this day she continues to be as mean as ever, without ever saying a word directly to me. I dislike her for many reasons. But she makes it on to my top ten for starting this unprecedented war between us. Some people really just enjoy making others unhappy.
As far as the 'type' of person she represents that I dislike, I'm just going to put her in the category of sluts.
#7- Berkeley Preparatory School's Class of 2006
I transferred to Berkeley Prep my sophomore year of High School, and the next three years were undoubtedly the hardest of my life. During those three years I developed an eating AND anxiety disorder, and my body was so exhausted from stress that I became allergic to caffeine. Of course, I can't blame all of this on my fellow classmates, looking back on the situation there are plenty of mistakes I made myself, but my fellow classmates did little to welcome me to my new school.
BPS ran from kindergarten to 12th grade, so many of the social cliques had been well established for many years by the time I arrived. During my first, terrifying few days I wandered from lunch table to lunch table, introducing myself to unimpressed students. No one took any interest in me. After putting myself out there very few people gave me so much as a name. No, it was easier for the students of BPS to completely ignore me than to put in any effort to be my friend. And before I knew it, I had become invisible.
This feeling of invisibility, some of it documented on this very web journal, tore my self esteem to shreds. No matter how hard I tried, I simply would not be accepted. So I gave up.
By senior year I had managed to find a clique that was nice enough to let me sit with them at lunch. But it didn't take long for me to start resenting them too. They spent the entire break bad-mouthing everyone around us - including each other - but only when someone's back was turned. They never included me in their social gatherings outside of school, but if I was spotted talking to someone outside the clique I was scolded for associating with the 'enemy' -- which was apparently everyone else.
When I graduated BPS, very few of my classmates knew my name, if they knew I existed at all. Sometimes even now, if I'm in a situation where I don't know anyone, I revert to the person I was there - completely introverted, trapped inside myself. The type of people that my classmates represent that I dislike -- people who can't be bothered for anyone but themselves. Oh the trauma -- both physical and emotional -- I could have been spared if just a few more people had chosen to acknowledge my existence.
#6 - Emersonians
One of the things that first drew me to Emerson was how different the students seemed. They were extremely creative in everything they did and that really impressed me. Coming out of three years in an extremely harsh social environment, I looked at the students at Emerson and thought to myself that these would be the last people to ever judge me.
I was wrong.
I've found that most of the students at Emerson pride themselves in their open-mindedness, but really, they are some of the most closed minded people I've ever met. It seems to me that they were likely the freaks and nerds in their high school, which you would think would make them kinder to people who are different, having experienced being the outcasts once themselves, but that is not the case.
I was not a cheerleader in high school, or the prom queen, or anything really. Like I've said before barely anyone knew who I was. But I guess if you were to look at me I'm pretty... normal? looking. If I absolutely had to label myself based solely on my outward appearance I would probably say prep. This makes me stick out like a sore thumb at Emerson, and it seems to me that people have chosen to stick the 'prep/cheerleader/snobby popular girl' label on me without even speaking to me. The kids at Emerson see me and assume I am just like the person who labeled them a freak in high school, and don't give me a chance to prove to them otherwise. This has made it extremely difficult to make connections there.
Luckily, Boston is a big city with lots of schools and I've been able to make connections elsewhere. And of course, there are exceptions to the typical Emerson student. My best friend and roommate, for example, is one of the kindest people I know. Still, it's hard to sit in class every day knowing that half the room hates me for something I didn't do. I've thought a lot about how I might convince them that I'm not the person they think I am, and my first few years I tried very hard. But in the end, people are going to think what they want to think, and there isn't a whole lot you can do to persuade them otherwise.
What kind of people do Emerson students represent on my list of dislikes? Judgers.
#5 - Madison
How do I explain Madison? To be completely honest, she is one of the ugliest people I have ever known, inside and out.
Madison was my suitemate freshman year at Emerson. She seemed perfectly nice at first, but from the beginning there was something that kept her from being as close to my other two suitemates and myself. The differences started on the very first night, when Nimisha (my roommate), Emily (Madison's roommate) and I had a sleepover while Madison decided to stay with her family in their hotel. We didn't see much of her during orientation week, and the three of us grew close without her. I think that's when she first started resenting us. As the school year continued we made more of an effort to involve her in our social activities. We would invite her to go site-seeing, and although she would come she would often choose to sit down in one spot by herself while we explored. Madison was always very lazy. She was also incredibly sloppy, stubborn, spoiled and at times just plain mean. Overall she was just very hard to live with, but we all did our best to put up with it. Emily and I did a little bit better than Nimisha, who was the most outspoken of the bunch. She told it like it was, and Madison didn't like not having her way, so the two started butting heads early on. The rift between the three of us and Madison widened even more by this, because no matter how hard Emily and I tried to stay neutral, Nimisha usually had a point, and it was very hard to sympathize with Madison.
I started dating Chris, and things got even worse. Everything was fine when we first started going out at the end of the fall semester. But when things got more serious in January, Madison unhatched a plan to turn Nimisha and I - best friends up until that point - against each other. Madison had told Nimisha that I had told her that I thought she was jealous of me because of my relationship with Chris (complicated, I know). The thought hadn't even crossed my mind at that point, as Nimisha was acting no differently than she ever had. Even though Nimisha and Madison hated each other, Madison knew that Nimisha had a lot of pride, and that thinking that someone thought she was jealous of them would really upset her. And it did. In fact, Nimisha was so angry that she stopped talking to me, and I had no idea what was going on. To add to my confusion, Nimisha and Madison - once enemies - seemed to be getting along better and better every day.
At this point I was not aware I was on bad terms with Madison, and because of her new-found friendship with Nimisha, I thought she might be a good person to ask what was going on. When I confronted her about it, Madison flipped out. She told me that yes, Nimisha was angry at me, and she was too. She said that I had completely ditched them since I had started dating Chris. She said that it was horrible of me that I didn't invite them to come to Chris's fraternity house, because it was so hard to meet boys at Emerson, and it was unfair that I was keeping them all to myself. These accusations were laughable to me. I had absolutely ditched no one since I had started dating Chris. It was true that I wasn't around as much as I used to be, but I had never canceled plans with one for plans with another. And as far as not inviting them to the frat house? I barely knew the boys there myself! I didn't think it was my place to invite people to a house that wasn't mine. And when Chris came over neither Madison nor Nimisha made any attempt to be friendly with him - so they couldn't really expect him to extend invitations to people he hardly knew. I was in tears trying to defend myself, but Madison would have none of it. She kept telling me how horrible a person I was, and she was so cruel and sincere that for a little while I believed her.
After that encounter I was so uncomfortable in the suite that I did anything to avoid it. I spent the days with other friends and the nights with Chris. Being in my room was more tense than I could handle. It was so bad I considered requesting a room transfer, or even taking the rest of the semester off. When my mom saw how much trouble I was having, she came up to Boston to cheer me up. It was the weekend of Nimisha's birthday, and I didn't know how to handle it. I knew I wasn't invited to whatever celebrations she was having, but I was afraid if I didn't acknowledge it she would have one more reason to hate me, and if I did she would think I was being fake and insincere. My mom convinced me to get her a card and a candy bar and leave it on her bed. I wrote inside that I hoped she had a good birthday, and that I was sorry things had turned out the way they had. Later that day I received a text from Nimisha saying we should talk.
When we finally did, everything became so clear. Madison had choreographed everything. She had been whispering rumors in Nimisha's ear for months. I was a little upset that Nimisha chose to believe everything Madison had said without talking to me first, but I also can't say that if I was in her position I wouldn't have done the same thing. Nimisha and I barely talked to Madison for the rest of the semester, and I have never been so happy to pack my bags when the summer came.
I've encountered Madison a few times since we've moved out of each other's lives. One time she ran over me with her scooter (she had broken her leg and was too lazy for crutches or a wheelchair), but most of the time she just gives me a terrifying, evil glare.
I still don't know what I did to her to make her work so hard to ruin my freshman year. But I suspect that she just hates herself so much that the only way she can deal with it is by trying her best to make others hate themselves too. Madison represents hateful people. I simply can't have them in my life.
#4 - Natalie
To be completely honest, Natalie probably wouldn't make it so high on this list if it wasn't for the proximity of her case. She first came into my life this past semester, when she started coming to the fraternity house I hang out in. She was instantly hated by basically every girl in the house, as she constantly threw herself at the boys. She took a particular interest in my boyfriend at the time, Christian (also known as #6). She cornered him one night at a party, and told him she wanted to have sex with him. He told her he had a girlfriend and that should have been the end of it. But of course, it wasn't. She continued to flirt with him relentlessly at parties. At least in Lauren's case she never tried to hook up with Chris while he had a girlfriend. But Natalie not only flirted with Christian, she also pursued basically every other taken guy in the house. Finally, somebody gave in, and she managed to sleep with Christian's best friend - who had a girlfriend. There is no doubt in my mind she knew this, just as she knew of me and all the other girlfriends of the boys she pursued, which makes her sluttyness straight up skankyness.
On top of everything, the girl is retarded. The one conversation we have ever had ended with her screaming at me. We were in a large group discussing politics and the upcoming election. I made a joke that if I was an uninformed voter I would vote for Obama too, because he was hot. I thought the joke was in good taste, because no one can dispute Obama's charisma, and everyone else laughed. But Natalie went insane. I guess she had taken the joke personally, and decided that I was calling her, specifically, an uninformed voter. She was screaming about how disrespectful I was and how offended she was, and I honestly just couldn't take her seriously. Everyone in the room was laughing, first at the joke, and then at her, but she was so absorbed in herself that she didn't notice. When someone called for me from another room I took the opportunity to leave before things went too far and I said something actually offensive. But hours later she was still bitching to people about how insensitive I was, so much so that several people had approached me to find out what had really happened, since most of the people she was complaining to knew me not to be the brooding bitch she described me as.
At this point I figured that I should apologize. If she was still complaining, she must have really been hurt and that was never my intention. But when I found her the entry she was unsympathetic to my apologies. "I just think it's like really not okay that you said those things, because I am an informed voter" she repeated, over and over and over again. I continued to insist that the joke wasn't aimed specifically at her, and tried to make her see my point, but she still wasn't having it. In a last attempt to be kind, I asked her to redo the conversation. Let's start all over, I said, I'll be honest, I'm not sold on McCain, so tell me why I should vote for Obama. It was hard for me not to laugh as she stumbled over her answer. "I just think that he is like really going to bring change. And, you know, that's what this country needs, change."
I nodded my head and smiled, but I couldn't honestly take her seriously.
I don't know if Natalie does the things she does because she's really stupid, or because she has some other intention incomprehensible to me. As dumb as she is, she's on this list because of her love sleeping with taken men, not her political views. Like Lauren, she's slut, and like Madison, she enjoys making people hate themselves. It's a bad mixture, and she's a bad person.
#3 - Fake Friends
I've had so many of these in my life that I couldn't possibly choose one as an example. In fact, most of the people I've known have been fake friends.
Fake friends are people who'll sit next to you in class, they'll go out with you on weekends and call you to tell you the latest gossip. They won't think twice about dumping all their issues on you and will sometimes sit idly while you tell them of your own problems. But fake friends don't care.
I am particularly susceptible to fake friends. No matter how many times I am wronged, I continue to blindly trust every person I meet. I always assume people have the best intentions, and have no problem sharing anything with people who I consider to be my friends. More often than not I wind up used and hurt.
A fake friend will copy your notes every day for a semester and then pretend they never knew you as they pass you in the hallway. A fake friend will call you when they see that your relationship status on facebook has changed to find out the details but won't offer their company or comfort or do anything that would require them to go out of their way for you. A fake friend will use you to get into the hottest party or bar or club and then ditch you the second a cute boy looks their way. A fake friend will let you know all the latest rumors circulating about you but won't do anything to quell them. A fake friend will stand beside you when it is convienent and against you when its not.
I am so sick of fake friends. I can count my real ones on one hand, but I am so grateful for them.
#2 - Dreamers
I don't know that 'dreamers' is necessarily the best description of the people I mean to describe here. I am all for dreams. I have many big ones myself. What I mean by 'dreamers,' are the people who only dream.
Once again, I've had so many of these in my life that I couldn't possibly choose one person as an example. I tend to gravitate towards intelligent and driven people. Dreamers, at first, can seem this way. They talk relentlessly about the enormous goals they want to achieve in life. They discuss their big plans for the future. But in the end, they do nothing to achieve these dreams. They sit on their butt and make excuse after excuse for their failures. They often turn into townies, and never achieve anything in their lives. And worst of all, they let everyone who cares for them down.
The common excuse for dreamers that I've encountered, is something like fate. They say that whatever is going to happen is going to happen and it's completely out of their hands. This way of thinking drives me insane because it is so far from the truth. Somtimes things happen in our lives, good or bad, that is out of our control. But you are who you make youself. And it's so sad to me that some people aren't interested in putting in the work to make themselves anything at all.
#1 - Chris
It really, deeply saddens me to admit this to myself, but I've thought about this a lot, and it's true. I don't think that you can truly hate someone unless you've truly loved them, and I think that's why Chris is the only person I might actually hate.
The time that I spent with him is some of the happiest of my life, but in the end he betrayed me so deeply that I knew I could not love him anymore.
Chris knew how to be the perfect boyfriend, and he fooled everyone in doing it. It took the finality of our breakup for me to be able to see what he really was the entire year and a half we spent together. It took the greatest hurt I've ever endured for me to realize that he used me.
I'm not sure whether or not Chris ever loved me as he said he did. I am sure that he thought that he did. Chris is so good at putting on the air of perfection that he fools himself. Chris loved the way I looked on his arm. He loved how other people loved me. He loved how I made him feel loved. But did he ever love me? Probably not. And he definitely never respected me.
I'm not going to sit here and write out every mistake he made during our relationship, but his actions since the breakup have only proved my theories on his character correct. He waited all of a week after our breakup to pursue another serious relationship with someone else. He goes out of his way on a regular basis to remind me how I mean nothing to him, though he sometimes makes a half-hearted effort to make it seem that he is only being considerate to my feelings. He does this, like he does everything else, to make himself look good. To convince himself that he is a good person. But I see clearly now how he uses people. And through my experiences with him I can only resign myself to knowing that I wasted a year and a half of my life on someone who was not a good person at all.
I have a lot of memories with Chris that I look back on with nostalgia and a smile. I can't deny that loving him made me truly happy. I learned a lot from that relationship and I wouldn't take anything back. But would I take him back? Never. I could never be with someone who hates himself so much.
A part of me wishes there was something I could do to help him. It's my fatal flaw - I care too much. And every now and then that part of me breaks through and reaches out to him. But you can't help someone who doesn't want it. And really, there's not much I could do anyway. Sometimes I think about the way he smiled or laughed or kissed, and I wonder if I ever really experienced the real Chris. The farther I get from the relationship, the more I think that I probably never did. People like Chris cannot love like I do. And I'm really, really sad for them. I'm really, really sad for him.
relationshipsboysJust in case you, single reader, are wondering about the last post, and what I ended up doing, I left. I ran straight in the other direction. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. And it was the right decision.
I have been dating for seven years. Seven years, six boys, six assholes. Yes, their level of asshole-ness varies, and some of them have turned out to be perfectly nice people months or years later, but within the relationship, each and every one of them was an asshole.
There was #1. The first. The one who I gave the least to. And the one who left me with my first insecurities. He was older, popular and charming. And he slept with my best friend behind my back, then took me to the prom while he was secretly dating her. It took me a long time to get over #1, even though the relationship lasted all of a month and I kept my hurt a secret to almost everyone. My first experience with romance was so fleeting, yet so painful and dramatic that I swore it off for a long time. Almost a year and a half went by before #2 would come along.
And then #2 did come along. It was my first summer romance, and although I mistook the feeling, it was the first time I considered the word 'love.' That one didn't end so dramatically. It simply fizzled when the summer ended and tore us 2,000 miles away from each other. But without a definite breakup I sat for weeks wondering whether my boyfriend was really my boyfriend. He had decided that the distance made it impossible, and that that was so obvious there was no need for a break up. He left me so confused. Still, the 'asshole' didn't really emerge until later, when he continually downplayed our relationship and made me out to be crazy when he was the one who had proclaimed his love. I never said the words back, thankfully. Because as it turns out he only said them to get in my pants (which he didn't, by the way).
#3 followed #2 by only a few weeks. Another charming, popular and handsome boy. He continuously reminded me how lucky I was to be with him. And I believed him. Like #2 he did not feel the need to actually end things, which made even less sense this time around, because we were not separated by 2,000 miles, in fact, we were forced by a small school to see each other daily. Without any explanations for what I did wrong, and at the time, I was silly and inexperienced enough to assume it was I who had done wrong, I fretted over the loss for way to long. Only to be approached by him again just as I had achieved moving on, and repeating the same exact cycle one last time before graduation.
And then there was the infamous #4. My first love. The boy who I cried the most over. The first boy I gave everything to. Once again a charmer, he charmed his way out of never, ever doing what he said he would. Even things as simple as a phone call became a reason to stress and cry, because he would inevitably forget about me in lue of some other form of entertainment (usually his stupid friends and marijuana). I spent the entire summer by the phone, eagerly awaiting his promised call, usually crying myself to sleep when I never recieved it. Still, I somehow allowed myself to fall in love with him. He said the words first, and it took me three days to say them back. However, I never intended for the relationship to progress much further than that. I was off to college very soon, but he insisted he couldn't live without me, so I waited for him in Boston, truly and stupidly expecting that one day he would come too. He never called, never wrote, and rarely responded to anything I sent him. He let me cry myself to sleep on my 18th birthday. And he was driving behind me when I got into my first accident. He drove away without stopping as I sat shaking in my totalled car. He had to make a drug deal. I later found out he cheated on me seven times, maybe more. The assholes of all assholes? Perhaps. But #5 definitely gives him a run for his money.
I met #5 on a plane. How romantic is that? It was the day after the car accident #4 drove away from. Without #5, I would probably still be with #4. Because meeting #5 made me realize I could do so much better. I dumped #4 three days after meeting #5, and went on my first date with #5 another three days later. #5 was really good at being perfect. He had the whole world fooled, including himself. It took me a year and half to figure out he was not a good person. That the insecurities he worked so hard (and mostly successfully) to hide ran so deep that he hated himself. And because he hated himself he couldn't respect himself, and because he couldn't respect himself he couldn't respect any other person. He certainly didn't respect me. He constantly put me down. He was extremely controlling. But he was so convincing that I believed every word that came out of his mouth. I didn't realize it then, but I believed that he was everything, and that I was nothing. I believed that I was nothing without him, because that's what he taught me to believe. So when he cheated on me with a thirty year old dog walker in the bathroom of a bar, I stayed with him. I was in love with him. And I think he loved me too. But once I realized who he really was, and unfortunatly that realization came after a very long time, I knew I had to stop loving him. And I did.
I'm with #6 right now. It took me a few months to be ready to date again after #5. I tell people #6 was an accident. That I didn't mean for it to happen. But that's a lie. From the moment #6 and I became friends, shortly before the end of #5, we knew what would happen. There was so much chemistry, so much raw attraction, but my heart told me he wasn't ready for anything else. And I knew that a relationship based on physicalities alone would be unfufilling to me. Two months after #5 and I was feeling lonely. So I allowed myself to get involved with #6. There were problems from the beginning. He had never been in a relationship before, and sometimes didn't know where the line was or simple ways to act as a boyfriend. He was eager to learn though, and approached everything with a vigorous want to please. We weren't perfect, but I was happy. I think he was too. But in the past week something has changed. I don't know if he has changed his mind or simply gotten lazy. But the effort he once was willing to put in is not there anymore. I come last to pretty much everything else in his life. I am only his girlfriend when it is convenient to him. He missed my recent birthday due to circumstances outside of his control, but has made no attempts to make it up to me, and has made not even the tiniest effort at a gift or even a card. He apologizes, but how can I believe that it is sincere when his actions don't change? Those who know him tell me to give him more time, that he's just clueless. But three months into things the 'clueless' excuse is getting a little old. At what point is he supposed to learn? He says he misses me when he goes days without seeing me but makes no attempt to work me into his schedule. I don't understand how #6 can honestly think he's in a relationship right now. It's been a little over a week of this behavior and I am exhausted. On top of everything I am constantly reminded of the rollercoaster relationship that was #4, and I know I cannot do that again.
What am I doing wrong here? At the risk of sounding self-involved, I can honestly say that I am confident that I am a good catch. I am an intelligent, attractive, independent woman. In a relationship I'm fiercely loyal, caring and understanding. Every time I walk into a bar men literally line up to buy me drinks. I have been told too many times to count that I'm basically the perfect woman, the perfect girlfriend, that anyone would be lucky to have me. But the men I end up with never seem to feel that way. Do I just choose them wrong? Or am I just expecting to much? When I'm in a relationship I always give 100%. And yet noone has ever been inclined to give me that much back. I don't understand how not giving 100% can possibly be fulfilling. I've considered and even tried not giving 100%, but I just don't see the point. I don't like playing games.
I hate dating. I just, for once in my life, want to be with someone who wants to give me as much as I don't even think twice about giving him.
choiceI can only hope that in time the answer will become clear.
lifeI'M BORED.
I'm so frikken bored.
And my cheeks are huge.
And I'm in pain. Major pain.
I am now home after my first year of college (which went splendidly i think) and after months and months of very little time the abscence of any sort of work or responsibilty felt really good. For about three hours. I have now been home for 12 days, and i am bored out of my MIND. On the 5th i will go back to boston to work for the summer, and i'm counting the seconds until i leave again. I love my home, and my family. But there is just nothing to do in this rotten little town, and over the past 12 days i've rediscovered how deadbeat this place really is.
It hasn't all been so bad though. The other day i went to disney world with an old friend, and it was really good to make a reconnection and just put the past behind us and have such a great time. I love reconnections. And tomorrow my best friend from Emerson, Alicia, is coming down to visit me, and i'm sooo excited. I don't even care that I will most likely still look like a chipmunk, it will be so nice to have someone to entertain and something to do for a few days. Plus Alicia is probably the only person in the world who completely understands me, and it will be nice to have that around again because with all this time on my hands i've been doing a little too much thinking.
Love is such a funny thing. It kills you and it gives you a reason to live. I don't mean to get emo or anything, but it's just such a hypocritical (for lack of a better word) emotion. Last summer i fell in love for the first time. It was passionate and intense and suprising and everything a first love should be. But it ended so painfully in the winter, only six months after it had begun, and i quite dramatically swore i would never be able to love again. I didn't want to ever love again. But then i did. Soon (probably too soon) i took another chance and put myself out there and opened myself up completely to another boy, something that has never been a very easy thing for me to do. But i was broken and opened up already, and this new interest helped me put myself back together with so much care that i had to love him too. But then once again my heart was shattered to pieces, catching me completely off guard and leaving me more confused than ever. Now i'm finding myself scrambling to salvage what is left of the relationships between these two boys and me, for i find the idea of not having either of them in my life a completely intolerable one. I find myself wanting so badly to be their best friends, but i'm not sure if that's completely possible. Because in spending time with them and being there for them always I've only found myself falling more in love with the both of them. I've somehow fallen completely in love with two boys at once, and for reasons completely out of my control, I cannot be with either of them. I feel this overwhelming need to choose between them. To say 'i am in love with YOU' and get it over with, that way i can concentrate my efforts on either getting over this person or getting them back, but i just can't. It's absolutely excruciating. I'm so confused. I feel extremely fortunate to have both of them in my life, for both of them have taught me so much and given me such increadable times. The only thing i am certain of is that they both love me a great deal, though whether or not either of them are or have ever been 'in love' with me i honestly have no idea. And a part of me, the romantic, idealistic part of me, thinks that I have not been and am not 'in love' with either of them, because then how could i feel the same strong emotion for two people? Perhaps what i am feeling is not 'true love' at all. Just a longing or attachment or great care for someone. I can easily see myself growing old with both of these boys as a lover or as a very good friend, and the second idea doesn't leave me in very much pain at all. In fact its quite appealing in both their cases, especially since at the moment i am quite resigned to the first idea being very close to impossible. The only thing i am certain of is that I want and intend to keep both of these boys close to my heart forever, as confidants and friends and maybe even brothers. I just need to figure out for myself how i truly feel about each of them, so i can concentrate on what i need to do in order to make any relationship (platonic or otherwise) successful.
I'm such a mess.
But i'm a happy mess! I don't want to make it sound like I'm the least bit depressed in any way. Although my confusions are most definitely frustrating, my life doesn't revolve around them and they are not prohibiting me from living my life wholey as perhaps they might have in the past. I really have grown so much this year, and i am much happier for it.
Now if only my cheeks would unswell so i could venture into public again...
long time goneMy life is amazing. I'm far happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm 3 weeks away from finishing my first year in college. I love my school. I'm living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I have an increadable boyfriend and some of the best friends.
I just changed my major from film to Marketing Communications and Public Relations. Even though I'm nowhere close to where I thought I would be this time last year (or at any time for that matter) I am very happy with my decision.
I have 8 months of things to write about. I don't know where to begin. And with a 15 page research paper looming over me, it just might be better not to start anywhere at all.
It hasn't been easy to get here, but right now I'm just really very happy.
sick daysIt just depressed me that on a friday night, exactly a week before i move to Boston, i'm butt sick and alone.
ahh well, i think some v for vendetta special features will cheer me up. better get working on that.
p.s. maybe it's because i'm on an apple now, but there is no smiley icon anymore =(
summer dayswho uses mindsay anymore? who even blogs anymore? very few people it would seem. and because of this and an unfortunate incident earlier this year where someone who i would have rather not read these entries did, i have kept my thoughts to myself over these past couple months. but i sort of miss it, and since i'm bored and no one reads this anyways, i may as well jot a little entry for old time’s sake.
this summer has flown. i can't believe that i'll be starting college in a little more than a month. it still seems so far away, too far away and yet too close at the same time. a part of me never wants this summer to end, and another is so anxious to get out of this little town and on to bigger and better things. i'm still absolutely terrified over the matter of stability of my choice career. but i've decided i'll just have to deal. this is what i want and this is how i will get the most out of life and so this is the path i must take. i hate this waiting; i just want to get it on with.
earlier this summer my best friend from middle school came down, and for two weeks i did nothing but prance around spring hill with several ex-bffs from my past. it was amazing how everyone changed so much but yet, when we all came together, how everything was still exactly the same. it was refreshing. and i'm so happy i reconnected with these people. i truly believe that we will all be friends forever. and in a world full of so much uncertainty and instability, that's very comforting.
i haven't traveled at all yet this summer, but on wednesday i leave for naples with my family and some pretty cool kids for my dad's conference. he's the president of whatever organization this is for, so i guess it's kind of a big deal. then in august we have our official 'family vacation.' this year its white water rafting in the grand canyon, and although i'm excited, i'm a little nervous too. i went to see a psychic at the beginning of the summer with some friends and just for fun, and she said that she saw me trapped under 'white rushing water,' and that it wasn't a metaphorical situation. but i don't believe in fate, and therefore, technically, i guess i can not believe anything the psychic said. i still can't help but be a little nervous though. good job mariana. good job.
some of my cousins also came to visit earlier this month. they are some of the most conniving, and yet charming children i've ever met. and although they drive me absolutely crazy, i love them more than ever. watching children grow up, to me, is one of the saddest things one could possibly witness. i wish everyone could bottle their innocence so that they could go back every now and then and take a little whiff and remember what it was like to be care free and to know nothing of the evils and stresses of this world. that sounded terribly pessimistic didn't it? it's not that i think the world is such a horrible place, i just think it was so much nicer when we could see so purely. perhaps i've read peter pan a few more times then i should have.
but there are some advantages to being an adult, or an adolescent or whatever exactly i am at the moment. i've been swept off my feet this summer by a wonderful boy. it's sort of a whirlwind romance i guess and i have absolutely no control over it and to tell the truth it’s driving me a little insane. but i guess it's good to get disheveled every once in a while. anyway i think its doing me more good than bad at the moment. summer romances are such a thrill. but they come and they go so fast and so passionately that they are always a little terrifying. i hate to think that anything this wonderful has to end, and i guess that is exactly why i hate the whole prospect of growing up. but i guess if i hadn't grown up i wouldn't be able to experience what i am experiencing now. and so for every loss there is some sort of a twisted and perhaps wonderful gain. is it love? i'm not exactly sure at the moment. it is defiantly passion and caring and a great deal of a mutual something or other. but i'm not sure i can allow myself to believe in such a thing so quickly. how could i, someone so anal retentive and in control possibly allow myself to feel something so... out of control? if it isn't love, it is certainly something close. and i desperately don't want it to end.
hmph. it seems that last line is the story of my life doesn't it?
wonderfullnessSooooo friday was grad night and it was pretty much awesome. Lisa and I went straight to Kirsten's after school where we took naps and showers and then headed right back to berkeley. There was a nice picnic on the mound where we stopped to take some horrible pictures, and then we got on the bus to go. Everyone was complaining about the length of the drive, but it was really just about the same time it takes for me to get to school, so i didn't think it was too long. Lisa and i talked the whole way. it makes me really sad that she is leaving so soon. We are a lot alike and i'm going to miss a good friend when she leaves. It figures though, i always get in tight with the germans.
Anyways, once we were in Disney World it took us another good hour to find a parking space. that was pretty much the worse part. but from the time we finally got off the bus on it was awesome. i guess there wasn't enough room to bring everyone in through the front gates, because they took us backstage and brought us through an entrance i recognized from my time at film camp there. they were blowing the chemical fog by the pounds, probably to hide the trailers and trash cans, and had loads of cool lighting effects as we walked in. after we got past the wall of lazers and smoke and through the security checkpoint, the group split pretty fast. i didn't see another berkeley person for a couple of hours. but i'm not sincerely complaining.
My little group and i went straight to tomorrowland and jumped on the line for space mountain. at the time the wait said 50 minutes (it was later advertising 2 hours), but the line was constantly moving and it ended up being more like 20 minutes. all the rides were a lot better than i had remembered. of course, this is probably due to my newly cured fear of roller coasters.
When we got out of space mountain teddy geiger was playing just outside. along with teddy geiger, fall out boy, fefe dobson, omarion and marco rodriguez were all playing at different places and times around the park and to be completely honest, i wasn't all that interested at first. i wanted to revert back to my childhood for a night of dumbo-riding, tea cup-swirling bliss. but Kirsten was in love with teddy gieger and insisted we watch for just a few minutes. we ended up watching the entire set and basically, i'm in love. not only were his songs good but he was super dreamy and a great performer. he was also probably the only guy there not lip-syncing. he kept singing over at lisa, kirsten and i (or at least we like to think so) and pretty much had us under his spell the whole time. after he finished we decided we had to meet him, so we dragged the rest of our group to the side of the stage to wait for him to come out. at first there was a big group of girls there too, but after about 15 minutes or so, and an announcement of an autograph signing for later that night, most of them floated away. but an autograph, i guess, wasn't good enough for us, because we stayed. we made friends with one of the security guys and asked how we might have a better chance of meeting him, and he directed us to stand at a certain place and told us to wait. we could see him being interviewed by the disney channel or something behind the stage, and about 10 minutes later he came out with a microphone and cameras rolling in tow. we had the perfect view of him, but i was too dumbfounded to snap a few pictures. good thing kirsten did. he stopped right in front of us, where the cameras had drawn attention and the group of girls had once again grown, all screaming at the top of their lungs except for myself who was too star struck to do anything. the security guard we had made friends with pointed at us and suddenly i found my voice. teddy looked right at me and smiled his heartbreaking smile, and i asked if i could get a picture. he said yes and michelle, kirsten and i jumped in. for an entire minute he had his arm around me and was talking to me as we posed for the thousands of cameras my friends had. the tv camera was also taping us. it all felt very glamourous and surreal. so much so, in fact, that i can't remember anything i said to him or vise versa. after what seemed like too short a time the camera man said he had to go, and so he smiled and thanked us and went on. it turns out we were the only girls in the park that got a picture with him!
after that we were quite happy and so we bounced from ride to ride with no interest in any of the other bands playing until 1am, when teddy was doing an autograph signing. we got in line at 12:45 and only had to wait a little bit once he got inside. i chatted up another security guard in the line. he was british and really cool and laughed at us for our 'lack of decency.' he asked us who 'that guy was.' he was a funny guy. when i got to the front of the line they wouldn't let us take anymore pictures and i couldn't think of anything to say. so i kinda just spat out a "HI!" he smiled and he looked tired and said he recognized me from before. i was on cloud nine and just had enough time to tell him, once again, how much i enjoyed his show before his publicist ushered me out.
we ate greasy burgers and fries and brownies after that and went about the rest of the night in giggles. it took almost an hour to get back to the parking lot around 4 where my dad was waiting for me and lisa. phil's parents were visiting and had left for disney world the night before. we went back to the hotel and slept until 2, where we then went down to the bakery and got big sandwiches and muffins and talked about the strangeness of berkeley boys. thats another reason i hate to see lisa go. she's the only one other than me who agrees that there is something fishy about those guys. anyway, we than decided to make the most of our time and go the MGM at four, but first stopped at the general store to get some neccessities we had forgotten.
i bought myself a new mini stick of deoderant. i know you wanted to know that. but that one little stick brought back a load of memories from this summer. i had also forgotten my deoderant when i had come for my film camp last summer, and they must sell the same stick in all the disney stores because the one i got on saturday smelt exactly the same. and you know what they say about smell and the senses and stuff. anyways, between the smell of this deoderant and going back to MGM, where we filmed most of the movies, i was constantly either in a fit of giggles or tears over random memories that kept popping into my head as i revisited my old haunts. lisa was awesome about listening to every one of them, and we talked a lot about our best summer memories and how strange it is to go back and how people change. i thought a lot about a boy i met last summer, that i hadn't talked to or thought about in a little while, and as soon as we got back to the room that evening i tried to call him, but my cell phone died the moment i pressed dial. oh the memories. summer romances are the best and the worst at the same time. perhaps i will write about the ones i've had in another entry.
on sunday morning we went to a character breakfast with alice in wonderland, mary poppins, tigger and winnie the pooh. it was fun to stuff our faces and get all giddy when a new character came around just like when we were kids.
i love disney world.
then we came home and i went to target straightaway to buy teddy geiger's cd, which i have been playing nonstop ever since.
what a weekend.
weekend funWhat a fabulous weekend i had.
On saturday laura, lisa and i all went to the mall. we were in abercrombie and the manager approached me and asked me if i would be interested in working there over the summer. i'm going for an interview tomorrow. ^.^ than i found my graduation dress, which made me doubly happy. after that we came home and goofed off and got all dressed up and met kirsten at TPAC to see joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. it was entertaining, if not a little crazy, but we had a good time. we went to the cheesecake factory afterwards and pigged out like good little girls. laura and lisa slept over. and in the morning jessica came over and we made a movie about dolls who come to life. kind of creepy, lots of fun to make. i'm working on editing it right now.
today didn't feel like a monday. even though i was sick last night i woke up energized and managed to have a fairly good day.
so i know this was a horrible account of my weekend, but i don't have much time to write. it was pretty much awesome. the end.
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easter sundayso these past few days i've been getting these constant sudden urges to write in here. but for the most part, i really have very little to say. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i know very few people still read this blog. ahh, the good ol' days... when everyone i knew had mindsay and my recent views never spanned more than a day. but i guess most people have moved on and found lives by now, or perhaps just livejournals, while i'm left here on my little mindsay, already having made the change from xanga, and not wanting to move my thoughts again. but i suppose my writings shouldn't be for the readers after all, i suppose they should be for me. and perhaps if i begin making daily entries as i did once upon a time, my recent visitors list will again be bursting. and maybe, just maybe, i'll even get some comments. 
and so ladies and gentlemen, on to a lovely account of my easter sunday :-).
i woke up this morning late and still smoldering from my sunburn of two days ago, went downstairs to find my gift from the easter bunny. for some reason, i always forget on easter sunday that there will be a basket of candy waiting for me. even though every easter my dad goes out in the morning and makes a show of buying all the sweets he can find and sticking them into two (though for the past two years three) little baskets on the kitchen counter, it never ceases to take me by pleasant suprise. my mom and i then made cheese crossaints for breakfast. at one o'clock the boys were still asleep, and so after waking them up we all got dressed and went to my grandpa's house for easter lunch.
my great-grandmother comes down every winter from indiana to stay with my grandfather. usually she comes with my great-great-aunt velma too, but this summer aunt velma passed away. every easter for as long as i can remember grandma marshall and aunt velma have cooked a huge easter lunch complete with three different types of pie for dessert. this year was the first without aunt velma. it was strange without her there, stuffing pie into our mouths why she gracefully declined having anything herself, citing her diabetes, which with old age ultimatly took her. at the end of the meal, we all leaned over grandma and took pictures, as we do every easter. i don't remember when the realization struck me, but somehow i always knew that the reason we took the pictures was because we weren't sure whether or not we would ever see aunt velma or grandma marshall again. and with aunt velma gone, this realization seemed much harsher today.
on the way home i started feeling sick. to much food? maybe. algebra test tomorrow? probably. either way, i am going to try and do everything in my power not to go to school tomorrow. i hate when springstead is out of school and berkeley isn't. by now i've pretty much got over the fact that i'm never going back, but on those days when all my friends are out and about and i am stuck in a classroom i can't help but feel bitter again. that's another reason why i don't want to go to school tomorrow.
high school friendsso yesterday i went to the beach for the first time this year. it was sooo gorgeous out and laura kirsten and i just fried for four hours. i got the first sunburn of my life and it is very unpleasant.
today marks 49 days until i graduate. i am so excited. it's strange to think that this time last year i was absolutley terrified of leaving home. now, though the idea of leaving my family and friends behind is bittersweet, i couldn't possibly be more ready. every day that passes i get more and more frustrated with the people at berkeley and the person i've become there. if you're reading this blog it's most likely because you know me, and then you'll know that i am really quite a nice, social, outgoing person. but when i'm at this school i feel the opposite. i'm pretty much a social outcast, and when i think about it rationally, i'm pretty sure it's my own fault. i regret my negativity towards the school and its students i carried with me when i first started here. it stopped me from getting to know people who otherwise may have turned out to be fairly decent friends, and caused me to push away those who tried. now i am left with a group of girls (and most of you know how fond i am of girls 
) who for the most part i really can't stand. all they do is talk about other people, and they don't allow themselves to have any fun. when they do go out, they don't invite me, but talk about it in front of me as if i was there too, than say something along the lines of 'oh well, you wouldn't want to come anyways.' how would they know? i've never been invited. and when i decide to talk to someone outside their social circle they get angry with me. it's so frustrating. they are good girls, and i guess deep down i really do love them, since in the end they were the ones who took me in when i transfered here, but gosh sometimes i just can't stand them.
and then even now when someone out of the ordinary tries to talk to me, i find myself clamming up. i think i'm terrified to show people here the real me, and i have no idea why. like, i won't wear skirts to school. or really anything pretty or girly. i wear girly things all the time. i am a girly girl. i love dressing up. but for some reason i feel like it would attract a lot of attention if i did, and i hate being judged, so i just don't. i guess that's the same reason i don't allow my true personality out with the majority of the people at berkeley. as i am now, if someone has a problem with me i really don't mind, because i know that it's not the real me. but if i were to let the crazy mariana out, i feel like people would think i was trying too hard or being fake or something. because if they know me at all, they know me basically as the shy girl -- which for the most part i am not -- and would think that i'm just trying to change myself to fit in. it's so frustrating.
on thursday night my best friend from middle school came over. i hadn't seen her in 3 years. we went through our first year of high school together before we both transferred and lost touch. it turns out she has the exact same problems as i do. it was nice to talk to someone who knew exactly what i felt. and it was even nicer to realize that no matter what, some things never change. now we are planning a road trip that we promised to take after seeing crossroads in sixth grade. 9 old friends, traveling across the country and back for two weeks.
i can't wait. because no matter what has happened over the last four years, some things will never change.
*sigh*
crazynessi have a lot of pointless things to say today. read it.
Theater has been my life since I was old enough to climb onto a stage. Whether it’s onstage or off, the scene shop or the green room, the catwalks, the sound or light booth, the audience, the pit, or the stage manager’s podium, I have done it all. And now as I stand on the verge of adulthood, I find myself faced with a choice. A choice that proves more difficult with each theater I enter, a choice that proves trickier with every performance I watch. Whether or not to watch, that is my choice.
I have been performing in dance recitals and small school plays for as long as I can remember. But it wasn’t until somewhere late in my elementary school years that I actually found myself in a theater in order to watch a show. It was the local high school’s production of ‘A Christmas Carol,’ and I was in fifth grade. I went to see it on a fieldtrip with my class, and from the moment the blue velvet curtain opened to the final bows I was completely enraptured. From that moment on watching live theater became just as much of a passion for me as taking part in it.
For seven happy years I have been able to live out both loves quite easily. I joined my High School’s thespian troupe and after switching schools got involved in the technical aspects of theater. I acted year round in productions, and convinced my parents to purchase season tickets at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center. I have left my own rehearsals early in order to attend a professional production of a Tony award winner and have missed just as many Tony nominees to prepare for my own shows.
Watching a well put together piece of theater is watching magic. A good performance draws its audience in, allows them to leave their troubles in a fluorescently-lit lobby, and brings them into another world, another place, another story. To watch a truly good performance is to laugh with and cry with and fall in love with characters you may never have the opportunity to in real life. To observe a good piece of theater is to be engulfed in a world of chances and opportunities that may never present itself in the so-called “real world”. To see a good work of art is to witness a dream come to life on the stage, and for the span of a few hours, make that dream your own. To watch a truly good performance is to witness magic.
But to be a part of that magic, oh to create that magic yourself, is not something easily given up. It’s almost a drug, almost an addiction, but there are no five step plans or patches to cure this dependence. I am a different person backstage. Often I am more stressed and anxious than you would ever find me on a normal day, but for some odd reason I live for those moments of mixed emotion. Because no matter how many tears are shed, no matter how many profanities are uttered, it is all worth it. It is all worth it to create something, to bring this treasure to life, to make this dream come true again and again with each performance. I can only reminisce my recollections of being onstage with a certain surrealism. I am always so completely captivated in what I am doing, completely into the moment, completely happy, that I cannot store the memories as I may at another time. And so with little to draw back on, I live my life from show to show, waiting for the moment of blissful strain when I no longer need care about anything other than what is happening on that stage, in that span of time. Being onstage I can be anyone I want to be, know everything I want to know. On a stage I can do anything.
Anything, that is, except watch. The only flaw I have ever found in taking part in a theater production is not being able to see it myself. As satisfying as putting on a show may be, it does not yield the same pleasure that watching the performance might. That is not to say the performing isn’t pleasurable. It’s simply another kind of enjoyment. And my constant dilemma is that of which form of delight gratifies me more.
To create magic, or to witness it: it is not an easy quandary. But it is an important one that I will have to solve over the next few years. For now, however, I will enjoy both. I want to sit in a crowded, dark room and share the same whirlwind of emotions with hundreds of other people. But I also want to create that emotion. I want to make magic.
p.s. that means i'm going to emerson to major in film with a concentration in directing and screenwriting and a minor in theater 
and who knows what else i'll do. i'm so ready for college.
akwardnessyou know what's kinda awkward, and what happens to me all the time?
when you see someone in the hall that you should know.
you know, those people who you have a few classes with, or who are in some of your extra curriculars, or work at the same job as you, or several of the above, etc, but you just for one reason or another never got to know. and then when you see that person in the hall, and you know you have to pass them, you become distraught as to what to do.
should you wave? or say hi? it's likely that you do, after all, know this person's first and last name, maybe even a middle initial, so why not greet them?
should you ignore them completely? or would that be rude? even if you may have only exchanged 3 not-neccessarily-strung-together words with them in your life, you are still aware of their existance, and so perhaps you should acknowledge it.
but then there is the fear of rejection. what if you attempt a greeting but they ignore you completely, or worse, scoff at you? than what do you do? it takes more courage than one likes to think about.
my preferred method of handling the all-too-common situation is to simply give a small smirk. but even then you face the rejection factor, which in my case occurs more often than not, as i seem to hit my invisible button on accident every time i walk the halls of berkeley preparatory.
i need to get rid of that button.
*sigh*
just some random thoughts.
p.s. i decided to go to emerson. yay me.
p.p.s. have i spelt awkward right? i dunno, it looks strange to me...?
So it's been a little while, but i've been a very busy gal.
First off, shs prom was AMAZING. i had such a blast that i'm a little worried that bps prom won't be as good because it won't live up to it. everyone looked so beautiful and handsome, and i got to see a lot of people i hadn't seen in a very long, long time. it wasn't perfect, but it was pretty damn close.
I just got back from ten days in colorado. i love to ski, but i think 10 days may have been a little much. when we got there they upgraded us to a three bedroom suite, so my friend from film camp, evan, flew over to vacation with us. it was really good seeing him again, and we talked a lot about our future careers. it made me think a lot.
So here's my college count so far. i've been accepted to 4 schools and waitlisted at 1. not bad at all i think. i'm still waiting on three more decisions, which should be in any day now. it's all very exciting.
One of my choices is Emerson College, which has one of the best film schools in the country. its the only film school i applied to, and until last night a career as a director or something along that line of that seemed only a fantasy. i sent in a 5 minute silent movie i made a film camp, thinking i could do much better, and just forgot about it. The film program there is auditioned and notorious for the low rate of acceptance. until last night i figured that i would go to another school, and major in something more generic like english or history and than go from there. but last night i got my acceptance letter to emerson, and a whole new world has been opened up to me. i'm not going to lie though, i don't know whether or not i'll go. a part of me is screaming with excitiment and is ready to hop on the plane to boston. the other half is extrememly reluctant. i love film. i love directing. i love screenwriting. i love acting. but i'm not sure if it's what i want in a career. i'm not sure i could take the instability of it, and the rate of failure is much too high. i'm not sure if i could live with myself if i failed.
But after talking to evan i realized that this really is my dream. and that i really do need to go for it.
Easier said than done. of course.
I'm also torn over what to do this summer. i had initially planned on staying home, getting a job, and maybe doing a little theater. my parents want to travel, but my brother has summer school smack in the middle of vacation, so i'm not sure how much of that we'll actually get to do. i would really love, love to go back to film camp. but it's a little pricey, and i'm already asking enough of my parents to pay for my college tuition. but every time i watch one of the movies we made, or look at pictures, i get butterflies in my stomache and i almost start to tear.
I just don't know what to do.
