In the end it will all be worth it, if when you think of me... you smile

He is gone. It was the first thing I knew when I woke up in this morning. I don't know that he's coming back. I don't know that I want him to come back. My choice is obvious. But just because it is the obvious choice doesn't mean it is the right choice. Do I stay? Or do I go?

I can only hope that in time the answer will become clear.

So much has changed.




It's really quite increadable.

Update on my life as of now:
I'M BORED.

I'm so frikken bored.

And my cheeks are huge.
And I'm in pain. Major pain.

I am now home after my first year of college (which went splendidly i think) and after months and months of very little time the abscence of any sort of work or responsibilty felt really good. For about three hours. I have now been home for 12 days, and i am bored out of my MIND. On the 5th i will go back to boston to work for the summer, and i'm counting the seconds until i leave again. I love my home, and my family. But there is just nothing to do in this rotten little town, and over the past 12 days i've rediscovered how deadbeat this place really is.

It hasn't all been so bad though. The other day i went to disney world with an old friend, and it was really good to make a reconnection and just put the past behind us and have such a great time. I love reconnections. And tomorrow my best friend from Emerson, Alicia, is coming down to visit me, and i'm sooo excited. I don't even care that I will most likely still look like a chipmunk, it will be so nice to have someone to entertain and something to do for a few days. Plus Alicia is probably the only person in the world who completely understands me, and it will be nice to have that around again because with all this time on my hands i've been doing a little too much thinking.

Love is such a funny thing. It kills you and it gives you a reason to live. I don't mean to get emo or anything, but it's just such a hypocritical (for lack of a better word) emotion. Last summer i fell in love for the first time. It was passionate and intense and suprising and everything a first love should be. But it ended so painfully in the winter, only six months after it had begun, and i quite dramatically swore i would never be able to love again. I didn't want to ever love again. But then i did. Soon (probably too soon) i took another chance and put myself out there and opened myself up completely to another boy, something that has never been a very easy thing for me to do. But i was broken and opened up already, and this new interest helped me put myself back together with so much care that i had to love him too. But then once again my heart was shattered to pieces, catching me completely off guard and leaving me more confused than ever. Now i'm finding myself scrambling to salvage what is left of the relationships between these two boys and me, for i find the idea of not having either of them in my life a completely intolerable one. I find myself wanting so badly to be their best friends, but i'm not sure if that's completely possible. Because in spending time with them and being there for them always I've only found myself falling more in love with the both of them. I've somehow fallen completely in love with two boys at once, and for reasons completely out of my control, I cannot be with either of them. I feel this overwhelming need to choose between them. To say 'i am in love with YOU' and get it over with, that way i can concentrate my efforts on either getting over this person or getting them back, but i just can't. It's absolutely excruciating. I'm so confused. I feel extremely fortunate to have both of them in my life, for both of them have taught me so much and given me such increadable times. The only thing i am certain of is that they both love me a great deal, though whether or not either of them are or have ever been 'in love' with me i honestly have no idea. And a part of me, the romantic, idealistic part of me, thinks that I have not been and am not 'in love' with either of them, because then how could i feel the same strong emotion for two people? Perhaps what i am feeling is not 'true love' at all. Just a longing or attachment or great care for someone. I can easily see myself growing old with both of these boys as a lover or as a very good friend, and the second idea doesn't leave me in very much pain at all. In fact its quite appealing in both their cases, especially since at the moment i am quite resigned to the first idea being very close to impossible. The only thing i am certain of is that I want and intend to keep both of these boys close to my heart forever, as confidants and friends and maybe even brothers. I just need to figure out for myself how i truly feel about each of them, so i can concentrate on what i need to do in order to make any relationship (platonic or otherwise) successful.

I'm such a mess.
But i'm a happy mess! I don't want to make it sound like I'm the least bit depressed in any way. Although my confusions are most definitely frustrating, my life doesn't revolve around them and they are not prohibiting me from living my life wholey as perhaps they might have in the past. I really have grown so much this year, and i am much happier for it.

Now if only my cheeks would unswell so i could venture into public again...

Oh my poor, neglected mindsay. It has been far too long. I had completely fogotten about this little blog of mine until the other day when it came up in conversation not once, but twice in a row. And now, since I have nothing better to do, I figured I might as well indulge myself with a little update.

My life is amazing. I'm far happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm 3 weeks away from finishing my first year in college. I love my school. I'm living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I have an increadable boyfriend and some of the best friends.

I just changed my major from film to Marketing Communications and Public Relations. Even though I'm nowhere close to where I thought I would be this time last year (or at any time for that matter) I am very happy with my decision.

I have 8 months of things to write about. I don't know where to begin. And with a 15 page research paper looming over me, it just might be better not to start anywhere at all.

It hasn't been easy to get here, but right now I'm just really very happy.

I think it should be law that no one have to make their own chicken soup when they're sick, which is what i had to do today. my family went for chinese food and most of my friends have already left for school.

It just depressed me that on a friday night, exactly a week before i move to Boston, i'm butt sick and alone.

ahh well, i think some v for vendetta special features will cheer me up. better get working on that.




p.s. maybe it's because i'm on an apple now, but there is no smiley icon anymore =(

who uses mindsay anymore? who even blogs anymore? very few people it would seem. and because of this and an unfortunate incident earlier this year where someone who i would have rather not read these entries did, i have kept my thoughts to myself over these past couple months. but i sort of miss it, and since i'm bored and no one reads this anyways, i may as well jot a little entry for old time’s sake.

 

this summer has flown. i can't believe that i'll be starting college in a little more than a month. it still seems so far away, too far away and yet too close at the same time. a part of me never wants this summer to end, and another is so anxious to get out of this little town and on to bigger and better things. i'm still absolutely terrified over the matter of stability of my choice career. but i've decided i'll just have to deal. this is what i want and this is how i will get the most out of life and so this is the path i must take. i hate this waiting; i just want to get it on with.

 

earlier this summer my best friend from middle school came down, and for two weeks i did nothing but prance around spring hill with several ex-bffs from my past. it was amazing how everyone changed so much but yet, when we all came together, how everything was still exactly the same. it was refreshing. and i'm so happy i reconnected with these people. i truly believe that we will all be friends forever. and in a world full of so much uncertainty and instability, that's very comforting.

 

i haven't traveled at all yet this summer, but on wednesday i leave for naples with my family and some pretty cool kids for my dad's conference. he's the president of whatever organization this is for, so i guess it's kind of a big deal. then in august we have our official 'family vacation.' this year its white water rafting in the grand canyon, and although i'm excited, i'm a little nervous too. i went to see a psychic at the beginning of the summer with some friends and just for fun, and she said that she saw me trapped under 'white rushing water,' and that it wasn't a metaphorical situation. but i don't believe in fate, and therefore, technically, i guess i can not believe anything the psychic said. i still can't help but be a little nervous though. good job mariana. good job.

 

some of my cousins also came to visit earlier this month. they are some of the most conniving, and yet charming children i've ever met. and although they drive me absolutely crazy, i love them more than ever. watching children grow up, to me, is one of the saddest things one could possibly witness. i wish everyone could bottle their innocence so that they could go back every now and then and take a little whiff and remember what it was like to be care free and to know nothing of the evils and stresses of this world. that sounded terribly pessimistic didn't it? it's not that i think the world is such a horrible place, i just think it was so much nicer when we could see so purely. perhaps i've read peter pan a few more times then i should have.

 

but there are some advantages to being an adult, or an adolescent or whatever exactly i am at the moment. i've been swept off my feet this summer by a wonderful boy. it's sort of a whirlwind romance i guess and i have absolutely no control over it and to tell the truth it’s driving me a little insane. but i guess it's good to get disheveled every once in a while. anyway i think its doing me more good than bad at the moment. summer romances are such a thrill. but they come and they go so fast and so passionately that they are always a little terrifying. i hate to think that anything this wonderful has to end, and i guess that is exactly why i hate the whole prospect of growing up. but i guess if i hadn't grown up i wouldn't be able to experience what i am experiencing now. and so for every loss there is some sort of a twisted and perhaps wonderful gain. is it love? i'm not exactly sure at the moment. it is defiantly passion and caring and a great deal of a mutual something or other. but i'm not sure i can allow myself to believe in such a thing so quickly. how could i, someone so anal retentive and in control possibly allow myself to feel something so... out of control? if it isn't love, it is certainly something close. and i desperately don't want it to end.

 

hmph. it seems that last line is the story of my life doesn't it?

 

Sooooo friday was grad night and it was pretty much awesome. Lisa and I went straight to Kirsten's after school where we took naps and showers and then headed right back to berkeley. There was a nice picnic on the mound where we stopped to take some horrible pictures, and then we got on the bus to go. Everyone was complaining about the length of the drive, but it was really just about the same time it takes for me to get to school, so i didn't think it was too long. Lisa and i talked the whole way. it makes me really sad that she is leaving so soon. We are a lot alike and i'm going to miss a good friend when she leaves. It figures though, i always get in tight with the germans.

 

Anyways, once we were in Disney World it took us another good hour to find a parking space. that was pretty much the worse part. but from the time we finally got off the bus on it was awesome. i guess there wasn't enough room to bring everyone in through the front gates, because they took us backstage and brought us through an entrance i recognized from my time at film camp there. they were blowing the chemical fog by the pounds, probably to hide the trailers and trash cans, and had loads of cool lighting effects as we walked in. after we got past the wall of lazers and smoke and through the security checkpoint, the group split pretty fast. i didn't see another berkeley person for a couple of hours. but i'm not sincerely complaining.

 

My little group and i went straight to tomorrowland and jumped on the line for space mountain. at the time the wait said 50 minutes (it was later advertising 2 hours), but the line was constantly moving and it ended up being more like 20 minutes. all the rides were a lot better than i had remembered. of course, this is probably due to my newly cured fear of roller coasters.

 

When we got out of space mountain teddy geiger was playing just outside. along with teddy geiger, fall out boy, fefe dobson, omarion and marco rodriguez were all playing at different places and times around the park and to be completely honest, i wasn't all that interested at first. i wanted to revert back to my childhood for a night of dumbo-riding, tea cup-swirling bliss. but Kirsten was in love with teddy gieger and insisted we watch for just a few minutes. we ended up watching the entire set and basically, i'm in love. not only were his songs good but he was super dreamy and a great performer. he was also probably the only guy there not lip-syncing. he kept singing over at lisa, kirsten and i (or at least we like to think so) and pretty much had us under his spell the whole time. after he finished we decided we had to meet him, so we dragged the rest of our group to the side of the stage to wait for him to come out. at first there was a big group of girls there too, but after about 15 minutes or so, and an announcement of an autograph signing for later that night, most of them floated away. but an autograph, i guess, wasn't good enough for us, because we stayed. we made friends with one of the security guys and asked how we might have a better chance of meeting him, and he directed us to stand at a certain place and told us to wait. we could see him being interviewed by the disney channel or something behind the stage, and about 10 minutes later he came out with a microphone and cameras rolling in tow. we had the perfect view of him, but i was too dumbfounded to snap a few pictures. good thing kirsten did. he stopped right in front of us, where the cameras had drawn attention and the group of girls had once again grown, all screaming at the top of their lungs except for myself who was too star struck to do anything. the security guard we had made friends with pointed at us and suddenly i found my voice. teddy looked right at me and smiled his heartbreaking smile, and i asked if i could get a picture. he said yes and michelle, kirsten and i jumped in. for an entire minute he had his arm around me and was talking to me as we posed for the thousands of cameras my friends had. the tv camera was also taping us. it all felt very glamourous and surreal. so much so, in fact, that i can't remember anything i said to him or vise versa. after what seemed like too short a time the camera man said he had to go, and so he smiled and thanked us and went on. it turns out we were the only girls in the park that got a picture with him!

 

after that we were quite happy and so we bounced from ride to ride with no interest in any of the other bands playing until 1am, when teddy was doing an autograph signing. we got in line at 12:45 and only had to wait a little bit once he got inside. i chatted up another security guard in the line. he was british and really cool and laughed at us for our 'lack of decency.' he asked us who 'that guy was.' he was a funny guy. when i got to the front of the line they wouldn't let us take anymore pictures and i couldn't think of anything to say. so i kinda just spat out a "HI!" he smiled and he looked tired and said he recognized me from before. i was on cloud nine and just had enough time to tell him, once again, how much i enjoyed his show before his publicist ushered me out.

 

we ate greasy burgers and fries and brownies after that and went about the rest of the night in giggles. it took almost an hour to get back to the parking lot around 4 where my dad was waiting for me and lisa. phil's parents were visiting and had left for disney world the night before. we went back to the hotel and slept until 2, where we then went down to the bakery and got big sandwiches and muffins and talked about the strangeness of berkeley boys. thats another reason i hate to see lisa go. she's the only one other than me who agrees that there is something fishy about those guys. anyway, we than decided to make the most of our time and go the MGM at four, but first stopped at the general store to get some neccessities we had forgotten.

 

i bought myself a new mini stick of deoderant. i know you wanted to know that. but that one little stick brought back a load of memories from this summer. i had also forgotten my deoderant when i had come for my film camp last summer, and they must sell the same stick in all the disney stores because the one i got on saturday smelt exactly the same. and you know what they say about smell and the senses and stuff. anyways, between the smell of this deoderant and going back to MGM, where we filmed most of the movies, i was constantly either in a fit of giggles or tears over random memories that kept popping into my head as i revisited my old haunts. lisa was awesome about listening to every one of them, and we talked a lot about our best summer memories and how strange it is to go back and how people change. i thought a lot about a boy i met last summer, that i hadn't talked to or thought about in a little while, and as soon as we got back to the room that evening i tried to call him, but my cell phone died the moment i pressed dial. oh the memories. summer romances are the best and the worst at the same time. perhaps i will write about the ones i've had in another entry.

 

on sunday morning we went to a character breakfast with alice in wonderland, mary poppins, tigger and winnie the pooh. it was fun to stuff our faces and get all giddy when a new character came around just like when we were kids.

 

i love disney world.

 

then we came home and i went to target straightaway to buy teddy geiger's cd, which i have been playing nonstop ever since.

 

what a weekend.

 

What a fabulous weekend i had.

 

On saturday laura, lisa and i all went to the mall. we were in abercrombie and the manager approached me and asked me if i would be interested in working there over the summer. i'm going for an interview tomorrow. ^.^ than i found my graduation dress, which made me doubly happy. after that we came home and goofed off and got all dressed up and met kirsten at TPAC to see joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. it was entertaining, if not a little crazy, but we had a good time. we went to the cheesecake factory afterwards and pigged out like good little girls. laura and lisa slept over. and in the morning jessica came over and we made a movie about dolls who come to life. kind of creepy, lots of fun to make. i'm working on editing it right now.

 

today didn't feel like a monday. even though i was sick last night i woke up energized and managed to have a fairly good day.

 

so i know this was a horrible account of my weekend, but i don't have much time to write. it was pretty much awesome. the end.

 

<3333

 

so these past few days i've been getting these constant sudden urges to write in here. but for the most part, i really have very little to say. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i know very few people still read this blog. ahh, the good ol' days... when everyone i knew had mindsay and my recent views never spanned more than a day. but i guess most people have moved on and found lives by now, or perhaps just livejournals, while i'm left here on my little mindsay, already having made the change from xanga, and not wanting to move my thoughts again. but i suppose my writings shouldn't be for the readers after all, i suppose they should be for me. and perhaps if i begin making daily entries as i did once upon a time, my recent visitors list will again be bursting. and maybe, just maybe, i'll even get some comments.

 

and so ladies and gentlemen, on to a lovely account of my easter sunday :-).

 

i woke up this morning late and still smoldering from my sunburn of two days ago, went downstairs to find my gift from the easter bunny. for some reason, i always forget on easter sunday that there will be a basket of candy waiting for me. even though every easter my dad goes out in the morning and makes a show of buying all the sweets he can find and sticking them into two (though for the past two years three) little baskets on the kitchen counter, it never ceases to take me by pleasant suprise. my mom and i then made cheese crossaints for breakfast. at one o'clock the boys were still asleep, and so after waking them up we all got dressed and went to my grandpa's house for easter lunch.

 

my great-grandmother comes down every winter from indiana to stay with my grandfather. usually she comes with my great-great-aunt velma too, but this summer aunt velma passed away. every easter for as long as i can remember grandma marshall and aunt velma have cooked a huge easter lunch complete with three different types of pie for dessert. this year was the first without aunt velma. it was strange without her there, stuffing pie into our mouths why she gracefully declined having anything herself, citing her diabetes, which with old age ultimatly took her. at the end of the meal, we all leaned over grandma and took pictures, as we do every easter. i don't remember when the realization struck me, but somehow i always knew that the reason we took the pictures was because we weren't sure whether or not we would ever see aunt velma or grandma marshall again. and with aunt velma gone, this realization seemed much harsher today.

 

on the way home i started feeling sick. to much food? maybe. algebra test tomorrow? probably. either way, i am going to try and do everything in my power not to go to school tomorrow. i hate when springstead is out of school and berkeley isn't. by now i've pretty much got over the fact that i'm never going back, but on those days when all my friends are out and about and i am stuck in a classroom i can't help but feel bitter again. that's another reason why i don't want to go to school tomorrow.

 

so yesterday i went to the beach for the first time this year. it was sooo gorgeous out and laura kirsten and i just fried for four hours. i got the first sunburn of my life and it is very unpleasant.

 

today marks 49 days until i graduate. i am so excited. it's strange to think that this time last year i was absolutley terrified of leaving home. now, though the idea of leaving my family and friends behind is bittersweet, i couldn't possibly be more ready. every day that passes i get more and more frustrated with the people at berkeley and the person i've become there. if you're reading this blog it's most likely because you know me, and then you'll know that i am really quite a nice, social, outgoing person. but when i'm at this school i feel the opposite. i'm pretty much a social outcast, and when i think about it rationally, i'm pretty sure it's my own fault. i regret my negativity towards the school and its students i carried with me when i first started here. it stopped me from getting to know people who otherwise may have turned out to be fairly decent friends, and caused me to push away those who tried. now i am left with a group of girls (and most of you know how fond i am of girls ) who for the most part i really can't stand. all they do is talk about other people, and they don't allow themselves to have any fun. when they do go out, they don't invite me, but talk about it in front of me as if i was there too, than say something along the lines of 'oh well, you wouldn't want to come anyways.' how would they know? i've never been invited. and when i decide to talk to someone outside their social circle they get angry with me. it's so frustrating. they are good girls, and i guess deep down i really do love them, since in the end they were the ones who took me in when i transfered here, but gosh sometimes i just can't stand them.

 

and then even now when someone out of the ordinary tries to talk to me, i find myself clamming up. i think i'm terrified to show people here the real me, and i have no idea why. like, i won't wear skirts to school. or really anything pretty or girly. i wear girly things all the time. i am a girly girl. i love dressing up. but for some reason i feel like it would attract a lot of attention if i did, and i hate being judged, so i just don't. i guess that's the same reason i don't allow my true personality out with the majority of the people at berkeley. as i am now, if someone has a problem with me i really don't mind, because i know that it's not the real me. but if i were to let the crazy mariana out, i feel like people would think i was trying too hard or being fake or something. because if they know me at all, they know me basically as the shy girl -- which for the most part i am not -- and would think that i'm just trying to change myself to fit in. it's so frustrating.

 

on thursday night my best friend from middle school came over. i hadn't seen her in 3 years. we went through our first year of high school together before we both transferred and lost touch. it turns out she has the exact same problems as i do. it was nice to talk to someone who knew exactly what i felt. and it was even nicer to realize that no matter what, some things never change. now we are planning a road trip that we promised to take after seeing crossroads in sixth grade. 9 old friends, traveling across the country and back for two weeks.

 

i can't wait. because no matter what has happened over the last four years, some things will never change.

 

*sigh*

 

i have a lot of pointless things to say today. read it.

 

Theater has been my life since I was old enough to climb onto a stage. Whether it’s onstage or off, the scene shop or the green room, the catwalks, the sound or light booth, the audience, the pit, or the stage manager’s podium, I have done it all. And now as I stand on the verge of adulthood, I find myself faced with a choice. A choice that proves more difficult with each theater I enter, a choice that proves trickier with every performance I watch. Whether or not to watch, that is my choice.

 

            I have been performing in dance recitals and small school plays for as long as I can remember. But it wasn’t until somewhere late in my elementary school years that I actually found myself in a theater in order to watch a show. It was the local high school’s production of ‘A Christmas Carol,’ and I was in fifth grade. I went to see it on a fieldtrip with my class, and from the moment the blue velvet curtain opened to the final bows I was completely enraptured. From that moment on watching live theater became just as much of a passion for me as taking part in it.

 

            For seven happy years I have been able to live out both loves quite easily. I joined my High School’s thespian troupe and after switching schools got involved in the technical aspects of theater. I acted year round in productions, and convinced my parents to purchase season tickets at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center. I have left my own rehearsals early in order to attend a professional production of a Tony award winner and have missed just as many Tony nominees to prepare for my own shows.

 

            Watching a well put together piece of theater is watching magic. A good performance draws its audience in, allows them to leave their troubles in a fluorescently-lit lobby, and brings them into another world, another place, another story. To watch a truly good performance is to laugh with and cry with and fall in love with characters you may never have the opportunity to in real life. To observe a good piece of theater is to be engulfed in a world of chances and opportunities that may never present itself in the so-called “real world”. To see a good work of art is to witness a dream come to life on the stage, and for the span of a few hours, make that dream your own. To watch a truly good performance is to witness magic.

 

            But to be a part of that magic, oh to create that magic yourself, is not something easily given up. It’s almost a drug, almost an addiction, but there are no five step plans or patches to cure this dependence. I am a different person backstage. Often I am more stressed and anxious than you would ever find me on a normal day, but for some odd reason I live for those moments of mixed emotion. Because no matter how many tears are shed, no matter how many profanities are uttered, it is all worth it. It is all worth it to create something, to bring this treasure to life, to make this dream come true again and again with each performance. I can only reminisce my recollections of being onstage with a certain surrealism. I am always so completely captivated in what I am doing, completely into the moment, completely happy, that I cannot store the memories as I may at another time. And so with little to draw back on, I live my life from show to show, waiting for the moment of blissful strain when I no longer need care about anything other than what is happening on that stage, in that span of time. Being onstage I can be anyone I want to be, know everything I want to know. On a stage I can do anything.

 

            Anything, that is, except watch. The only flaw I have ever found in taking part in a theater production is not being able to see it myself. As satisfying as putting on a show may be, it does not yield the same pleasure that watching the performance might. That is not to say the performing isn’t pleasurable. It’s simply another kind of enjoyment. And my constant dilemma is that of which form of delight gratifies me more.

 

            To create magic, or to witness it: it is not an easy quandary. But it is an important one that I will have to solve over the next few years. For now, however, I will enjoy both. I want to sit in a crowded, dark room and share the same whirlwind of emotions with hundreds of other people. But I also want to create that emotion. I want to make magic.

 

p.s. that means i'm going to emerson to major in film with a concentration in directing and screenwriting and a minor in theater  and who knows what else i'll do. i'm so ready for college.

 

you know what's kinda awkward, and what happens to me all the time?

 

when you see someone in the hall that you should know.

 

you know, those people who you have a few classes with, or who are in some of your extra curriculars, or work at the same job as you, or several of the above, etc, but you just for one reason or another never got to know. and then when you see that person in the hall, and you know you have to pass them, you become distraught as to what to do.

 

should you wave? or say hi? it's likely that you do, after all, know this person's first and last name, maybe even a middle initial, so why not greet them?

 

should you ignore them completely? or would that be rude? even if you may have only exchanged 3 not-neccessarily-strung-together words with them in your life, you are still aware of their existance, and so perhaps you should acknowledge it.

 

but then there is the fear of rejection. what if you attempt a greeting but they ignore you completely, or worse, scoff at you? than what do you do? it takes more courage than one likes to think about.

 

my preferred method of handling the all-too-common situation is to simply give a small smirk. but even then you face the rejection factor, which in my case occurs more often than not, as i seem to hit my invisible button on accident every time i walk the halls of berkeley preparatory.

 

i need to get rid of that button.

 

*sigh*

 

just some random thoughts.

 

p.s. i decided to go to emerson. yay me.

p.p.s. have i spelt awkward right? i dunno, it looks strange to me...?

 

So it's been a little while, but i've been a very busy gal.

 

First off, shs prom was AMAZING. i had such a blast that i'm a little worried that bps prom won't be as good because it won't live up to it. everyone looked so beautiful and handsome, and i got to see a lot of people i hadn't seen in a very long, long time. it wasn't perfect, but it was pretty damn close.

 

I just got back from ten days in colorado. i love to ski, but i think 10 days may have been a little much. when we got there they upgraded us to a three bedroom suite, so my friend from film camp, evan, flew over to vacation with us. it was really good seeing him again, and we talked a lot about our future careers. it made me think a lot.

 

So here's my college count so far. i've been accepted to 4 schools and waitlisted at 1. not bad at all i think. i'm still waiting on three more decisions, which should be in any day now. it's all very exciting.

 

One of my choices is Emerson College, which has one of the best film schools in the country. its the only film school i applied to, and until last night a career as a director or something along that line of that seemed only a fantasy. i sent in a 5 minute silent movie i made a film camp, thinking i could do much better, and just forgot about it. The film program there is auditioned and notorious for the low rate of acceptance. until last night i figured that i would go to another school, and major in something more generic like english or history and than go from there. but last night i got my acceptance letter to emerson, and a whole new world has been opened up to me. i'm not going to lie though, i don't know whether or not i'll go. a part of me is screaming with excitiment and is ready to hop on the plane to boston. the other half is extrememly reluctant. i love film. i love directing. i love screenwriting. i love acting. but i'm not sure if it's what i want in a career. i'm not sure i could take the instability of it, and the rate of failure is much too high. i'm not sure if i could live with myself if i failed.

 

But after talking to evan i realized that this really is my dream. and that i really do need to go for it.

 

Easier said than done. of course.

 

I'm also torn over what to do this summer. i had initially planned on staying home, getting a job, and maybe doing a little theater. my parents want to travel, but my brother has summer school smack in the middle of vacation, so i'm not sure how much of that we'll actually get to do. i would really love, love to go back to film camp. but it's a little pricey, and i'm already asking enough of my parents to pay for my college tuition. but every time i watch one of the movies we made, or look at pictures, i get butterflies in my stomache and i almost start to tear.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

so i've decided that i won't close my mindsay until i've used every smiley they have. impossible? we shall see. mwahahahaha.

 

What a fabulous past couple of days.

 

Bat Boy went AMAZINGLY. But we were haunted by a chupacabra trying to sabatoge our show.

 

Why do we suspect this you ask? it all started wednesday night, the last rehearsal before opening night. for this show we rigged rope on pullies in the catwalks in order to lift a tent over the stage for a scene. when the tent wasn't attatched to the ropes, we tied wrenches to the end of them as weights. directly after a scene change and as a large group of actors were entering the stage, one of the ropes with the wrench tied to the end plummeted and narrowly misssed the actors. this was extremely dangerous and our director pretty much threw a hissy fit. but as they say the show must go on, and as we tried to pull the rope back up we found we couldn't. in the end i had to send a few people into the catwalks to pull it up from there.

 

the next night two of my techies came to me with reports of a shadow figure in the catwalks. coincidence? possibly. but there is more.

 

that same night as we prepared to rig the tent, another of my techies was in the catwalks in order to guide the wrenches around the lights. that's when he found a boxcutter, opened halfway attatched blade down to the end of one of the wrenches. this was no accident, and extremely dangerous.

 

throughout the show rehearsal period and into some of the shows their were reports of people tripping over random wires tied across the catwalks.

 

we used many blood viels for the show, and opening night a broken one was left on my podium, blood spilling everywhere.

 

during intermission of the friday night show, as we prepared to rig up the tent, one of the ropes came crashing down. thinking that a pully broke we climbed to the catwalks to fix it, only to find that the pully was fine, but the rope at been obviously sawed into. it wasn't a clean break as if it had snapped from the weight, and none of the other ropes had a problem, the rope was obviously cut.

 

why a chupacabra you ask? why not a ghost or simply a deranged upper division director out to get everyone involved in the theater? well, i think that's pretty obvious.

 

other than that though the show went wonderfully. friday night andrea, mike, jolene, shoshannah and bianca all came to see the show. they seemed to be entertained by it, and i was happy they came. saturday night was so emotionally charged. this was the last show on the mainstage, and all the seniors got up to make their speech. i made mine last and cried my eyes out. i know i've never been smitten with berkeley, but i've spent so much time in the last three years in that theater. i really will miss it. the cast called me onstage after the show and gave me a beautiful boquet of flowers which came as a huge suprise. i don't think they've ever done that for another student before, and it meant a lot to me. the strike went suprisingly fast, and i somehow made it through without even picking up a drill. the cast party in gills was amusing to say the least, but i was too tired to go to the real cast party, so i took bryan and laura home and passed out.

 

sunday i slept in late for the first time since winter break, than i got up and pretended to do homework for a while. jess came over and we watched a pirated version of beauty and the beast before we got ready and went to the movies with shawn and shawn. we saw final destination 3. horrible movie. very gorey. no fluffyness. not fun. i'm picking the movie next time. the movie let out early so we went to walmart and took lots of crazy pictures.

 

monday was a monday. blah. but yesterday i got into college! i'm not sure if i'll go to drew yet, but it's nice to know i have something. finally all my work has paid off.

alright, i guess that's it for now. ttfn =)

 

mr. fickley is coming to see bat boy thursday. i am very excited.

 

I just got back from a grueling nine hour work day. but we got a lot done, and i'm feeling very good about the show. i don't think i've ever gotten as into a show that i've worked on as this one. maybe it's just because it's my last big show before i graduate. whatever it is, i'm having a lot of fun.

 

 I really hope a lot of my non-berkeley friends can come see bat boy. i've put sooo much work into it, and even though it is a very..erm.."different" show i feel like it's got a lot of potential. the best description i've found of the show is 'darkly funny, curiously touching.' anyways, i'm bored annnd here's a synopsis lol:

 

Time: the present. Place: West Virginia. Three thrill-seeking teenage siblings (Rick [played by Jeff Schwartz], Ron [Adam Offer] and Ruthie Taylor [Olivia Tettylbaum]) discover a half-bat, half-boy in a cave. After this "Bat Boy" [Vinay Rao/Jonny Paglino] bites Ruthie on the neck, they pummel the creature and take him to the sheriff [Frank King] of their small town, Hope Falls. A ghostly chorus sings of the extraordinary meaning of this pivotal moment in history (HOLD ME, BAT BOY).

 

The sheriff brings the creature to the house of the town veterinarian, who isn't home, but the vet's wife (Meredith [Jamie Boss/Jessica Johnson]) and daughter (Shelley [Lindsay McGhay/Madilyn Snyder]) put Bat Boy in a cage (CHRISTIAN CHARITY). While they await the return of Dr. Parker [Sean Offer/Will Turner], Bat Boy screams incessantly and refuses all food, and Shelley begins to have second thoughts about her new pet (UGLY BOY). While Meredith is in the kitchen trying to cook up something Bat Boy will actually eat, Shelley's boyfriend Rick comes over and, seeking revenge for Bat Boy's biting his younger sister in the cave, menaces him and leaves Bat Boy cowering and whimpering in the corner of his cage (WATCHA WANNA DO?). Meredith enters, angrily ousts Rick, and sends Shelley to bed. Meredith consoles Bat Boy by promising him acceptance and love (A HOME FOR YOU).

 

Meanwhile, the ranchers of Hope Falls admit in a town meeting that their cows are dying for mysterious reasons, and all of the townspeople at the meeting search for the potential cause, ultimately wondering if Bat Boy might have something to do with it (ANOTHER DEAD COW).

 

As a thunderstorm rages and the power goes out in Hope Falls, Dr. Parker finally arrives home from his goose-hunting trip. He is shocked by the creature he finds in his living room and drunkenly commiserates with Bat Boy, comparing the creature's condition to that of his own lifeless marriage. After a brief examination, the vet decides to put Bat Boy out of his "misery" with a lethal injection. As Dr. Parker is poised with the needle, Meredith enters and begs her husband not to kill Bat Boy. Dr. Parker agrees, but not before he extracts a promise from Meredith to "be a wife to me" (DANCE WITH ME, DARLING). Dr. Parker, overjoyed that there might be a chance that Meredith truly loves him again, then slashes the necks of the geese he has brought home and feeds Bat Boy the blood, which is exactly what Bat Boy needs to live.

 

As the mother of the injured girl [Susan Helvenston] demands that the Sheriff punish Bat Boy (MRS. TAYLOR'S LULLABY), the oblivious Parker family gives the remarkably intelligent and eager Bat Boy a full education. With the help of regular (and secret) feedings by Dr. Parker, Bat Boy quickly earns a mail-order diploma and transforms into an erudite and sophisticated young man, whom the family calls "Edgar" (SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO).

 

But the town finally delivers to Dr. Parker their concern about the "critter", and to keep them at bay Dr. Parker promises that Bat Boy will not attend the upcoming tent revival meeting (CHRISTIAN CHARITY - REPRISE). Bat Boy, however, desires to go out and see the world, and his passionate expression of this desire (A HOME FOR YOU - REPRISE) wins Meredith over. Knowing that her husband made a public promise to the contrary, Meredith nonetheless tells Bat Boy that she will take him to the revival meeting. When Dr. Parker angrily objects, Bat Boy reverts to his animal state and attacks Dr. Parker, knocking him to the ground. Meredith is overcome with concern - not for Dr. Parker, but for her dear "Edgar". Now Dr. Parker knows with certainty that Meredith, despite her recent softening toward him truly does not love him, and, going mad, he privately vows to turn her feelings around - whatever it takes. While the town, Meredith and Shelley all express their hope that the revival will bring joy and renewal, Dr. Parker puts in motion his sinister plot. After taunting Bat Boy with a live rabbit, Dr. Parker steals away to the hospital, where he kills Ruthie Taylor with an injection (COMFORT AND JOY).

 

The next day, the Reverend Billy Hightower [John Mills] lifts the depressed spirits of the people of Hope Falls at the revival meeting (A JOYFUL NOISE). When Bat Boy, Meredith and Shelley arrive, the town is aghast - until Bat Boy wins them over with an ardent plea for acceptance (LET ME WALK AMONG YOU). The townspeople gather around Bat Boy and embrace him (A JOYFUL NOISE - REPRISE). But the uplifting mood is dashed when Dr. Parker arrives and tells the town that Ruthie Taylor is dead - and that Bat Boy's bite is responsible. Rick Taylor enters with a gun and threatens to kill Bat Boy, who attacks Rick and flees the scene. Dr. Parker then pretends to try to save Rick, but actually kills him with an injection. Now convinced that Bat Boy is a murderous freak, the town vows to find and kill him.

 

Dr. Parker has managed to turn the town against Bat Boy, but, in his madness, he has failed to turn Meredith's feelings around. As Meredith and Shelley search the woods for Bat Boy, Meredith convinces Shelley that their only hope is to find Bat Boy and move without Dr. Parker to a safe and secure location (THREE BEDROOM HOUSE). But when Shelley reveals that she has fallen in love with Edgar and wants to marry him, Meredith shocks her daughter by calling such an idea "hideous".

 

Meanwhile the townspeople of Hope Falls set out to find the Bat Boy, including Ron Taylor, the last of the Taylor children still alive (KILL THE BAT BOY). In a sort of mad frenzy, he searches a nearby slaughterhouse. Thinking that it is Bat Boy that ran into the building, Mrs. Taylor precedes to set the slaugherhouse on fire, burning her own son to death.

 

Shelley flees Meredith and eventually finds Edgar, who obviously shares her romantic feelings. But as the two awkward youth cannot find a way to express how they feel, the forest god Pan [Michael Alberts] emerges from a nearby tree and calls upon all of the animals of the woods to show Shelley and Bat Boy how to love (CHILDREN, CHILDREN). While the angry townspeople continue to search for Bat Boy, the two young lovers repose in a post-coital bliss. Bat Boy, however, is now hungry, and Shelley tries to convince him to drink her blood (INSIDE YOUR HEART). But just as Bat Boy is about it sink his fangs into Shelley's arm, Meredith enters and calls their union an "abomination". When Bat Boy moves to attach Meredith for trying to keep them apart, Meredith blurts out a shocking revelation - one that makes Bat Boy and Shelley realize that they can never be together. Ever.

 

Bat Boy flees into the woods, finds a wandering cow, rips its head off and slakes his animal thirst. Bat Boy soliloquizes his despair to the bloody cow head he holds in his hands (APOLOGY TO A COW). The townspeople arrive and are about to kill Bat Boy when Meredith enters and begs them to spare Bat Boy's life. She promises that if they will only listen to the story she and Dr. Parker have to tell about Bat Boy's origin, they will understand why it is wrong to kill him. Dr. Parker and Meredith then reveal the astonishing tale, to the horror and disbelief of all assembled.

 

But the story only arouses more ire from the town, who scream for Dr. Parker to "kill the freak". Bat Boy, so devestated by the story he has just heard about himself, shocks Meredith and Shelley by agreeing with the mob - he wants to die, too. He goads Dr. Parker by calling him a coward and reveals the recent violation of his daughter. Despite the pleas of his wife, Dr. Parker is now ready to kill. With his knife, he slices his own neck open, causing Edgar instinctively to feed. With Bat Boy attached to his throat, Dr. Parker stabs him in the back. As Dr. Parker raises the knife for a second thrust, Meredith jumps on top of Bat Boy, and she receives her own fatal blow. Meredith and Dr. Parker fall to the ground, dead (FINALE: I IMAGINE YOU'RE UPSET).

 

Shelley catches Bat Boy as he falls, and she alone hears his final words, with which he renounces the world of humankind and chooses to embrace what he has obviously come to see as his better half: "I am not a boy, I am an animal." (FINALE: I AM NOT A BOY) Shelley mourns her loss, and the townspeople transform into a ghostly chorus, reminding us of the lesson of the play: "Don't deny your beast inside." (HOLD ME, BAT BOY - REPRISE)

 

strange huh? well just in case your still curious here is the link to the uk official website: http://www.batboy.co.uk/ if you'd like to come see it please tell me asap because i need to get tickets. it plays febuary 23-25, which is a thursday, friday and saturday run. both casts are very very good. and if you come on saturday night i'm putting you to work for the strike (you know you want to )

 

i hope you are all having a fabulous weekend !

 

What a lousy day.

 

See the thing is, it actually wasn't lousy at all, but it only takes one little thing to make a day bad. and so it goes. but luckily i have some amazing friends who helped me through it.

 

boys are horrible creatures. i guess your wondering why exactly my day was so awful. and my better judgment tells me not to tell you, or at least not to write it down here, for everyone to see. it's almost embarrassing how horribly i'm taking this. but it was going so well before. one little incident changed everything.

 

i stay at school until 5:30 almost every day now that i can drive because i have to take my brother home from lacrosse practice. usually there is some sort of bat boy rehearsal going on, and usually i have no trouble avoiding it. yesterday i even went to the rehearsal, and helped doc with some set building while they were practicing on the stage. he was right there and it didn't affect me at all. i was so pleased with myself. today i was in the library most of the time, but i was kicked out at 5, and started to wander to my car when i realized how freezing it was. and how chilled i was. that’s when i remembered that i had left my jacket in the theater during my last period drama tech class, at the end of the long hallway that parallels the backstage area. and so i made a b-line for the theater, not a worry on my mind. but when i got into that hallway, he was there. it was inescapable. such a long hallway that he was sitting at the end of, my stuff just beyond him. a part of me screamed to turn around right then and there, to run away and hide in my car and get my jacket tomorrow. but i have far too much pride for that. and so i walked, head held high, all the way down that long corridor. i had promised myself that the next time i had the opportunity i would confront him, but he was with two other boys, and i didn't want to create a scene. he didn't so much as flinch as i walked inches in front of him. i know he knew i was there. i grabbed my stuff and considered my options. there were several ways i could escape this hallway without having to pass him again, each more impractical than the last. but tempting as it was, i knew that if i chose to take advantage of one of those options, then i would plainly be letting him know that he affected me. and so i took a breath and walked the agonizing way all the way down that hallway. without even a fleeting glance from him.

 

and then i went and sat in my car and cried. i needed to hear a friendly voice and so i called stephanie, who called mike. between the two of them i managed to feel slightly better by the time my brother finished practice, but i was left the entire car ride home to think. and with my brother sound asleep at my side, i had no distractions to keep me from my inevitable stream of consciousness.

 

it's not that i still have feelings for him. because i truly believe that after all he's put me through i don't. it's just that i need some kind of closure on this. i need to talk to him. i need to know what was wrong with me. what made him do what he did. but as long as he keeps playing this game, i know i can't.

 

he ruined everything. my perfect senior year. the winter musical, the spring play, prom, grad night, graduation, they were all going to be perfect. and now everything has changed, and i can't force myself to be happy with it. i latched on far to soon i guess, and set my hopes for this far to high. but its finished now. i totally agree with him on that. i just need to know why. for myself.

 

his cowardice makes me want to scream.

 

Don't write a letter when you want to leave
Don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment
I'd like to choose how I hear the news
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Let me down easy
No big song and dance
No long faces, no long looks
No deep conversation
I know the way we should spend that day
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to know who's to blame
It won't help knowing
Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going


Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going
Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye


Don't run off in the pouring rain
Don't call me as they call your train

Take the hurt out of all the pain
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

 

~ Tell Me On A Sunday

 

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Romeo + Juliet

"Has my heart loved 'till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw a true beauty 'till this night."

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Jessica Simpson

Flirty, feminine, and fun.

Your Celebrity Sisters Are Jessica and Ashlee

Beautiful, feminine, and stylish. Who care's if you're a bit of a daddy's girl?

You Are Fall!

Thoughtful Expressive Creative Poetic Smart

You are Betty Grable

The ulitmate girl next door You're the perfect girl for most guys Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.

You Should Date An Italian!

You love for old fashioned romance, with an old fashioned guy An Italian guy is the perfect candidate to be your prince charming If your head doesn't spin enough, just down another espresso with him Invest in a motorcycle helmet - and some carb blocker for all that pasta!

Your Inner Muse is Thalia

You are most like this playful muse of comedy. Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic. You make people laugh until their sides split. And you're always up for some play time!

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless

You Are Confident Sexy

You're one sexy chica, and you know it. You've got the confidence to strut your stuff... And approach any man who happens to catch your eye. You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie.

Your Element is Earth

Your power color: yellow Your energy: balancing Your season: changing of seasons Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends. You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems. Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones. Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful.

Your Love Song Is

You and Me by Lifehouse "Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you" For you, love is very intense and a little difficult to express.

 

not that you care at all, but it amused me

 

        Growing up – it is something everyone has to do sooner or later. Some dread it, some pray for it, and some are indifferent. But considering the popularity of the process, it is surprising how few people could tell you exactly how to grow up. This is the question I set upon answering as I sat down at my computer one stormy Saturday afternoon, not only to write a school paper (on a weekend no less), but to carefully investigate what exactly it is that is happening to me at this very moment, and to decipher the best possible way to go about it.

 

            In order to identify exactly how to grow up, we must first decide when precisely this phenomenon occurs. Many would argue that the act of growing up takes places sometime between the ages of eleven and sixteen, when the human body begins to change in ways that a frightened adolescent has not even imagined yet, the stage in one’s life otherwise known as puberty. Puberty, or according to Dictionary.com a “stage of adolescence in which an individual becomes physiologically capable of sexual reproduction,” is a pivotal point in the development of the human body. Suddenly muscles stretch and bones grow inches at a time in a matter of months. Boys’ voices drop octaves and girls deal with their own secret horrors. But of course we have all learned of this painful process in our own health classes, and so there is no need to elaborate further. However there is no doubt in my mind that the majority of the physical aspect of our ‘growing up’ process takes place solely at this point in our lives.

 

            But growing up is about much more than physical development. Growing up is a state of mind, a point where one’s view of the world is suddenly, or perhaps not so suddenly changed drastically. So what exactly prompts this new outlook? And how does one go about doing it successfully?

 

            Rights of passages – they differ from country to country, culture to culture, household to household. A quincenera is celebrated in Latin culture on a girl’s fifteenth birthday, signaling her entry into womanhood. In America, girls celebrate their ‘sweet sixteen’ with a similar theme. Native Americans take on vision quests by spending days or even weeks alone in silent contemplation. Teenagers spend four years of their lives preparing for their high school graduations. Hopeful debutants of the upper class are introduced at coming out balls. Those of Jewish faith hold Bar Mitzvahs. And Roman Catholics are confirmed. All of these are considered rights of passages, events in one’s live that mark the coming of adulthood and the departure from childhood. But does an elaborate party, an ancient tradition or even a holy sacrament really correspond to the exact moment of change? I think not.

 

            Growing up is about much more than routine or ritual. Growing up is about experience. And in order to grow up ‘properly,’ for lack of a better word, one must experience life at a different level. There are many different ways these situations can be played out, and often it occurs with an important first. For some their initial exposure to adulthood comes with a positive connotation – a first kiss for example, or a first date. A first party or dance, the first day of high school or college – as minuscule moments these may seem in the vast expanse of a person’s life, these instances of bliss, excitement or discovery can easily awaken the heart, the mind or the soul to a new world previously veiled. For other unlucky characters however, their first foree into adulthood may seem more a rude awakening than a sweet scent of the dessert spread out before them. A first drink or inhalation of some harmful fume, dangerous it may be, has the full potential to be just as enlightening as that first experience of true romantic love. Just as the untimely loss of a loved one or that bittersweet day that one packs his bags to leave home for the first time can be just as instructive as that hard-earned money of your own acquired from the sweat, blood and tears left over commencing your very first job.

 

            And so we find that there are many ways to have that moment of epiphany, that moment of realization that one is no longer a child. And perhaps no one is better than the other. But the truth is that however traumatizing or awesome an experience may be, growing up takes time. Time that often seems limited.

 

            It is frequently said that the success of one’s future greatly depends upon one’s childhood. And the finest childhood is a happy one. It is important not rush, easy as it may be, and push oneself further into maturity than one is ready for. In this way one may miss out on many important aspects of one’s childhood. Instead, perhaps, consider slowing down. Conquering life one exit at a time, and enjoy the view along the way.

 

            Some people call it the Peter Pan syndrome, I call it wisdom. The blissful naivety of childhood is to be treasured, and not pushed aside in search of a false and premature wisdom. Although there are many wonderful things about growing up, it is important to savor one’s childhood to the greatest extent possible. And in the end, perhaps the best way to grow up is not to grow up at all.