There is no remedy for love, but to love more. - Henry David Thoreau

Dear ----,

I’m not sure I’m going to have the courage to press the ‘send’ button on this email, but here goes nothing.

First of all, it feels a little wrong saying what I am about to say over email. I wish I could say it in person. But it’s on my mind now, and I’m afraid if I wait to tell you all this face-to-face I never will. It’s a really scary thing, saying goodbye, and I’m really, really bad at it. If I were to attempt this conversation in person I know I wouldn’t get to say everything I want to say. I know I would probably just burst into tears and blurt out an awkward ‘see you later’ and run away. But I want to make sure I say everything I need to say. Because I’m also really bad at letting go. So I need to make sure I don’t have a reason not to. I know this is wrong, and I’m so, so sorry. But I just turn into a massive, unintelligible ball of emotions when I’m upset, and there are things I need you to know that I’m not sure I’d be able to tell you in the heat of the moment.

I like you ----. I like you a lot. In fact, I think you’re someone that if I let myself, I could really fall in love with.

But I always assumed we had this silent agreement not to do that, since we knew from the beginning I would be in New York for the summer and you would be studying abroad next semester. I knew from the start I didn’t want to end up trapped in a long distance relationship, and even though we never really talked about it, from the things we did talk about, I was pretty sure you were on the same page. I am the queen of failed relationships, and for once, it felt good to just let things be what they were, without the need for labels or verbal agreements of exclusivity. It was the first time I’ve really just enjoyed someone, and I was honestly very comfortable and happy with that.

But then, over spring break, I discovered I missed you much more than I expected too. And I knew from that first moment of realization that things were getting dangerous. Then in the last few weeks I’ve begun to feel it, that need for a recognition of something, though I told myself I didn’t really care what that something would be. I knew that my feelings for you were beginning to grow beyond what I had anticipated, and I began to doubt whether the silent mutual agreement I had assumed was in place was something I really wanted, or was something that was even in place at all. I began to wonder what you were doing with the time we spent apart, and what was happening when I didn’t hear from you. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt hurt or neglected, I just started really wanting to be a part of your life.

I was still feeling very torn about all of this when I brought it up with you last week. I was hoping you would tell me something that would make my mind up one way or the other. But you were very vague, and didn’t really tell me anything at all, and that scared me. It solidified the fear, and I believe I told you this that afternoon, that I liked you much more than you liked me. And well, I’ve been hurt so many times before. I just don’t want to be in that place again.

I thought now that I knew more or less how you felt I’d be able to take a step back, and return to how things used to be and just let myself enjoy things again. But the truth is that I can’t. I’ve been so terrified all this time that I’m going to wind up hurt, and here I am hurting anyways. Because it sucks to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, at least not in the same way.

I don’t know about you, but I felt that yesterday and this morning were kind of weird. I couldn’t decide as it was happening if the weirdness was on my part or yours, but I think that it was probably mine. I’m even more unsure than before when it comes to how much energy I should be putting into this, and all last night and this morning I was finding myself thinking twice about what I said to you or how I touched you. I wanted to wake you up this morning but I wasn’t sure how you’d react to me. I wanted to kiss you good morning but I wasn’t sure you would want to kiss me back. And then I knew I would have to write this letter when tonight, I really felt that I needed you, but I didn’t feel like I could tell you that. And that felt really crappy.

I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s driving me completely crazy. And as you’re reading this email, I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re thinking I am – crazy. That’s fine, I guess I am a little crazy. I really wish I could finally stop holding back and show you the complete me. But as things are… I just can’t.

So two last things:

First of all, thank you so much for these past few months. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. I’ve always felt like you were so easy to talk to. And I hope that we will still hang out as friends. I do value your friendship a lot, and I’ve really taken pleasure in all of our conversations. Thank you for the other things too. You have no idea what it has all meant to me.

And secondly, I know you are not crazy about electronic media, another reason why this letter feels so wrong, but I would really appreciate a response. By email, text, phone call, whatever. Even if it’s a ‘Got your email. Thanks.’ Like I said earlier I’m really bad at letting go. And even though I probably don’t deserve a response it would really help me to move forward knowing your thoughts on this situation, or at least that you read this email.

I hope you don’t completely hate me. I miss you already.

All my love,
Mariana